Phil Bond in YOU ONLY PHIL TWICE - The Misadventures of Phil Bond: Accidental Secret Agent

by TheOrange

Lost Episodes Reading Order < 26 >

Flocked by dozens of gorgeous women, Edward Norton inattentively watches Fox News.

Reporter: <on television> ...police are still rounding up the hostage victims from the conspicuously large 777 parked on a Dane County Airport runway in Madison, Wisconsin today...

Ed watches the screen as he graciously accepts a grape dangled in front of him. On the TV screen, several of the abducted women are shown to the public for dramatic effect, but only the most attractive ones.

Reporter: <on television> ...including big-screen mega-star, Angelina Jolie...

Edward Norton coughs at the mention of the name. He snaps to attention, knocking the three women who were on his lap onto the floor.

Edward Norton: Ange?

He glances over at the small framed picture next to him, on the floor. Getting up (and therefore throwing off several other girls), he runs over to the phone and dials a number that he hasn't dialed in a long time.

Edward Norton: Get me the boss. Tell him it's Agent 42.

Reporter: <on television> So, can you tell us anything about your rescuer?

Agent 37: <on television> I'm sorry, no comment.

Phil Bond: <on television> Are we on tv?

Agency Operator: <via telephone> I'm sorry, sir, but this number has been disconnected.

Edward Norton drops the receiver on the floor.

Random Ex-Harem Girl: <on television> Wow, like, Phil? Can we, like, have your autograph? And can you, like, sign it "Phil Bond"?

Agent 37: <on television, punching ex-harem girl> Hands off my partner, bimbo!

Edward Norton: Th--that's impossible! He can't be Phil Bond!

One of the girls which Kevin had so rudely dumped on the floor pipes up.

Girl on Floor: Didn't you look like Kevin Spacey earlier tonight?

Edward Norton: What?

Girl on Floor: I mean, 'Why do you say that darling?'

Edward Norton: Because *I'M*--

Another Girl: Hey... wait. She's right. We thought you were Kevin Spacey.

Edward Norton: That's not important right now! <points at television> That imposter has to be stopped!

Girl on Floor: Why would you want to stop that Phil Bond guy? He's a hero.

Ed poses menacingly, but still seems as docile as a misguided ferret.

Edward Norton: Because *I'M* Phil Bond!

The other girls look severely disappointed.

Any Girl, Take Your Pick: Come on, girls, Kevin Spacey has to be around here somewhere.

Edward Norton: <to himself> So, The Boss tried to replace me. We'll just see about that. <to television> Don't worry, Ange, Phil-baby's coming home.

Ed tries to turn off the tv, but drops the remote. It flips the TV to VH1 Behind the Music before he has a chance to pick it up again.

Edward Norton: Hey, what did ever happen to Journey, anyhow?

YOU ONLY PHIL TWICE

</Title><Credits>

Starring: Phil Bond as Phil Bond, Edward Norton as Phil Bond, Angelina Jolie as "Agent 37", William Shatner, and George Takei as "The Boss"

Co-starring: Nick Dudycha, Chris Deschane as Rudolph Talbot, TheOrange, Senator Herb Kohl, and Ben Folds

Story by TheOrange

Based Upon "Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes" created by Traegorn RavenHawk

</Credits>

Naked Shadow Girls dance around the flaming forms of Phil and and Ed. They switch from one to the other, not knowing which one to go to, and ultimately explode into a fireball that engulfs the entire screen, and finally peels away to show a college campus.

</OpeningSequence>

Many college-aged track and field athletes run around in circles, as college-aged track and field athletes often do. Pieces of the clay-red track separate from the ground and fly up into the air as they make their way around the 400 meter oval thingy. Just inside of one of the curves (named "turns", for the uninitiated) at one end of the track is a tall, blonde freshman repeatedly launching himself over a six-foot-high fiberglass bar. He calls it high jumping. Everyone else calls it a tall, blonde freshman repeatedly launching himself over a six-foot-high fiberglass bar.

Coach: That's it for today, Dudycha. You're looking good. Keep it up. I see a lot of potential.

Dudycha: Thanks, coach.

Two of the triple-jumping quartet pass by the high jumper as they warm down from their workout.

Bergstorm: Good workout, Nick?

Dudycha: Yeah. Hey thanks about earlier, getting those guys off my back and all.

Bersgstrom: Hey, no problem. What was it they were saying again?

Dudycha: Uh...

Fritz: "Dudycha, where's my car." It's hilarious.

Nick's neck muscles all simultaneously try to pull his head in different directions, and his face scrunches up like he wants to kill something. McMahon, newest addition to the triple jump team, waltzes by to meet up with his teammates.

Dudycha: Yeah... <relaxes> That. I swear, I'll lose it if I hear that too many more times.

McMahon: What, "Dudycha, where's my car?" You gotta admit, that's pretty funny. Yeah? Yeeaaaaaah?

Nick's head vibrates quickly back and forth. He quickly regains his composure, but it's obvious that he's having a hard time keeping his anger in check.

Dudycha: No, it really isn't. I don't want to hear it again. If I hear that one more time, I'll... I'll... <tries to think of something clever> I'll run away to Madison and dive into Lake Monona!

Everyone present takes a step back, each wearing their own particular expression of disdain.

McMahon: Gross!

Fritz: Blech!

Bergstrom: Hey Nick, don't talk like that, alright?

Dudycha: I'm serious! I will! Go on, someone going say it to me now?

TheOrange, straggling behind as always, finally catches up to his triple-jumping brethren.

TheOrange: Say what?

Bergstrom: Oh, that thing those guys were saying to him earlier today.

TheOrange: What, "Dudycha, where's my car?" I didn't think it was all that funny.

Dudycha's head nearly twists off.

Dudycha: That's IT! That's freakin' it! I'm outta here! <runs>

All four jumpers watch as the Freshman sprints across the field and disappears into McPhee's Ade Olson addition. TheOrange watches with a look of utter confusion as the other three just stare at him with utter disdain.

Bergstorm: Way to go there, Stoughton boy, I think he's completely lost it now.

TheOrange: What? What'd I do?

The base is in a state of alert. Klaxons are sounding loudly and red flashy light doohickeys are flashing all over the massive complex. The Boss watches calmly as one of his newest agents, Rudolph Talbot, attempts to direct the chaos.

Moderately Attractive Female Operator: The intruder has breached Sublevel 3 and is still descending.

Over two white-gloved hands clasped beneath his nose, The Boss watches the immense view screen before him. The image it displays is a computer-generated map of the path of intruder takes as he continuously circumvents the security defenses that The Agency has spent years setting up. None had ever been breached until now.

Rudolph Talbot: Prepare to bring down the blast doors! <to The Boss> Sir, we're ready to send in the MPs.

The Boss stares silently for a long moment, not giving off any indication of life, not even daring to breathe.

The Boss: That won't be necessary. Jeremiah--

Rudolph Talbot: It's Rudolph Talbot now, sir.

The Boss: Very well, "Rudy". I leave you in charge. This is your responsibility now.

Rudolph Talbot: Sir? Where are you going?

The Boss: To my office.

Rudolph Talbot: But you're needed here! Why are you going to your office?

The Boss: Because that's where he'll be heading. You have the bridge, Rudy.

Rudolph Talbot: What, the catwalk?

Everyone looks at The Boss. The only sound that can be heard is the still-ringing klaxons.

The Boss: <sigh> I always wanted to say that. Don't ruin it for me, alright? Fine. You have the overly-expensive, ornate, ridiculously large, and grossly over budget war room thingy. <putting a hand on Rudy's shoulder> I'm counting on you, son.

Rudolph Talbot: Really, sir?

The Boss: No.

The Boss turns around and walks ten feet to a corridor that leads directly to his office.

Wearing her shades, fingerless gloves, and a very flattering t-shirt / shorts combination (to say nothing of the rolled-down white socks and genuine imitation leather hiking boots), Agent 37 storms into the room. She is momentarily distracted by the collage of Kimagure Orange Road characters on the ceiling [Author's Note: See Phil Bond in From India with Love for a full description!].

Agent 37: Are we being attacked!?

The Boss: Something like that.

Agent 37: Shouldn't we be helping Rudy?

The Boss: No, we are both right where we need to be.

Rudolph Talbot: <via intercom> Sir, he's heading towards your position! We're mobilizing security!

Agent 37: We should call Phil and get his ass hauled down here on the double!

The Boss: No need. He's already here.

Outside the door, muffled cries and dampened thuds can be heard, and over it all the intermittent crack of bone. Agent 37 pulls out her guns (her .45s, you sick monkeys!), urging The Boss to take cover. He merely sits complacently, waiting for the inevitable. Agent 37 prepares for an explosion to bring down the door, but it merely swishes open as two unconscious bodies are hurled through the doorway, catching Agent 37 off guard. She tries to protect herself while maintaining her aim, but fails at both. On the other side of the door a scuffed personage leaps through. Wires, from when he ripped out the door circuits mere moments before, are still dangling from his teeth. He aims his Walther P-38 at The Boss.

Edward Norton: <spewing out wire bits> You've redecorated. I like it.

Agent 37 creeps up from behind him and places the end of one of her guns gingerly on the intruder's spine.

Agent 37: Drop it. Now.

Edward Norton raises both arms in the air, letting the gun slip from his grip and swivel on the finger guard. He lets the gun slide off -- it smashes into the floor. Plastic separates from die-cast metal and pieces scatter all over the view-screen-like floor. Agent 37 sees the large Decepticon symbol on one half of what is left of the handle. There is no clip, but little plastic pellets spill out of the barrel, which is rotated ninety degrees from where it should have been.

Agent 37: What the--

Edward Norton takes advantage of his captor's momentary lapse and swivels around to grab the gun that had been pointing at his back. A shot fires and harmlessly causes an issue of Ranma 1/2 to explode on the bookshelf across the circular room. Agent 37 trips her assailant and brings the gun in her other hand (the left, for those who are curious) to bear on his throat.

Edward Norton: Thanks a lot, Ange. That Megatron you made me drop was a Japanese import, you know. It cost me a fortune. It even fired plastic pellets, like the old Microman version used to.

Agent 37's hardened and stoic expression of intense concentration warped into one of confusion, then tearful recognition.

Agent 37: Phil...?

Edward Norton: Got it in one, babe.

Agent 37: <putting down her guns -- take your pick> Phil!

Agent 37 cradles his head and presses it hard against her breast.

Edward Norton: Fdbdbbbbb...

The Boss: Ooooooh myyyyyy. <shaking his head> This is all going to end in tears, I can tell.

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Cradle-robber!

Phil Bond: Dork!

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Excrement escapader!

Phil Bond: Ooh! Good one, fartknocker.

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Thanks, gangrene-for-brains!

Phil starts removing the first piece of the shield to his Perfect Grade RX-78-2 (in other words, a REALLY big Gundam) from the plastic tree, and almost slices his finger off in the process. He waves at one of his roommates walking by as blood gushes out of his knuckle.

Phil Bond: Was there a reason you called... um, what are we on?

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> "H".

Phil Bond: Thanks. Was there a reason you called, hentai-harlot?

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Just to rub it in your face, i--

The phone beeps in Phil's ear, indicating that he has another call.

Phil Bond: Sorry, jerkface, I have another call.

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Didn't you hear me, k--<BEEP> I called you a "i--<BEEP>

Phil Bond: I'll be back in a minute <hits flash button> Hello?

TheOrange: <via telephone> Phil, is that you? I'm glad I got a hold of you. Look--

Phil Bond: Can this wait? I'm in the middle of something.

TheOrange: <via telephone> But Nick just ran off! He's coming your way, I think! I don't know what he's up to, but if we don't stop him...

Phil Bond: <carving at another piece> Slow down, Ritalin case, and explain it to me from the beginning.

TheOrange: <via telephone> Well, Nick, you know, he's a high jumper and he's pretty good and stuff, but he's a freshman so people keep making fun of his last name. He's completely lost it! He's gone berserk! I don't know if we can stop him!

Phil Bond: <removing a beam saber handle> What's his last name?

TheOrange: <via telephone> Dudycha.

Phil Bond: What's so funny about that?

TheOrange: <via telephone> "Dudycha, Where's My Car"?

Phil Bond: <almost cutting a beam saber blade in half> Ah. Yeah, I suppose that could get annoying, couldn't it. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm on another long distance call right now. I'll have to call you back.

TheOrange: <via telephone> But--!

Phil Bond: Sorry man, I have bigger things to worry about right now than some freshman high-jumper on a frustration-induced rampage. Like this Gundam, for instance. Have you ever heard of a core fighter before? It's sweet.

TheOrange: <via telephone> Dammit, Phil, haven't you figured out yet that when you or anyone else says stuff like that it usually portends something foreboding? Hello?

Phil switches back to the call from Chris-- I mean, Rudy.

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> --nerd-boy! Don't you dare hang up on me like that again, orthodontic-aid-for-ugly-chicks!

Before Phil can respond, the doorbell rings. One of Phil's roommates tries to answer the door, but is too stoned to walk and collapses on the kitchen floor, passed out.

Phil: Sorry, Chris, I gotta go.

Rudolph: That's Rudy to you, P... P... Phil! Hey, that was kind of appropriate...

Without bothering to hang up the phone, Phil puts down his exacto knife and moves to go to the door, but it bursts open before he even is able to leave the living room. Not a moment later does he see the a short figure enter through the doorway, a short figure that could belong to none other than...

One of Phil's Non-Stoned Roommates: Herb Kohl? Man, what are you doing here?

Senator Herb Kohl: There's no time for that, son. Phil, I've been ordered to bring you in. We leave for D.C. immediately. Get your things together and meet me out front.

Phil Bond: <picking up his exacto knife again> Not this again. Can't you see I'm busy?

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you why I called. The Boss wants to see you.

Senator Herb Kohl: I see you aren't going to make this easy, as usual.

The Democratic U.S. Senator to the state of Wisconsin procures a large mallet from behind his back and holds it menacingly over the mostly unassembled pieces of Phil's Perfect Grade RX-78-2.

Phil Bond: You wouldn't dare! Die, rich boy!

Senator Herb Kohl: So you'll be ready in five minutes, then?

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> He's gotcha there, Quazarin-groupie.

Phil Bond: <into telephone receiver> See you soon, runt-nuts.

Rudolph Talbot: <via telephone> Not if I see you first, shi--

Phil Bond: <hanging up> Right, what is it this time?

Dudycha gets off the bus in a fit of rage and anger all rolled up into a general malaise of contempt and self-destructiveness, ready to make good on his foolish threat of diving into Lake Monona from the similarly named Terrace, which is actually a convention center... but I digress. Nick has other things to worry about, like how to get there. However, that is actually the least of his worries.

Drunken College Student #1: You have the time?

Dudycha: I have NO time! How do I get to Lake Monona?

Drunken College Student #2: I think it'sh thish way...

The drunk stumbles into the street and almost gets run over by a passing motorist, who honks his car horn as if it afforded him the right to fail to slow down.

Drunken College Student #1: What's the hurry, kid?

Dudycha: <twitching again> It's... not important. Some people just made fun of my name, okay?

Drunken College Student #1: What's your name, then?

Dudycha: I, uh, telling you would be a good idea. I'll get angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Drunken College Student #2: Oooh! He'sh gonna get angry w'th ush. I'm sho shcared! Boohoo! Gonna turn green and beat us up, blondie?

The two shorter men back the Freshman into the street, where another vehicle practices the routine of honking but not slowing down. Dudycha does the only thing he can think to do in a time like this.

He high-jumps over the car.

Of course, the street is hardly a high-jump pit, and there's nothing there but asphalt to break his fall back to Earth. Fortunately, a tall yet slumped figure wearing a cloak and hood snatches Dudycha out of the air by the armpits before the short-sighted jumper has to face that cold, harsh reality. The stranger then turns to the two drunks and shows them *something* beneath his cloak that makes them run away in fear.

Hooded Stranger: You're lucky to be alive. I've been following you since the bus stop in Eau Claire. Someone with a name like yours shouldn't just go throwing his weight around... if you know what I mean.

Dudycha: <pretending that he's not in a little bit of pain> And who the hell are you supposed to be?

Hooded Stranger: That is immaterial at the moment. I want to help you. Come with me and I will help you find all the cars you could ever possibly want.

Seeing as how the nut just saved his bacon, Nick doesn't see this as such a terrible thing.

Dudycha: Sure thing, Hood. What's the catch?

Hooded Stranger: Drive me to Maryland. There's a Star Trek convention there. My vehicle is over there.

The Stranger points to a 1988 Buick Century which, like all 1988 Buick Centuries, is in utter shambles.

Dudycha: Why can't you just drive yourself? Why do you need me?

Hooded Stranger: The cloak makes it hard to see.

Dudycha: So why don't you take it off?

Hooded Stranger: That would ruin my dramatic idiom, and the time has not yet arrived where I may reveal myself to the world with the greatest amount of poetic irony.

Dudycha: Riiiight... So, Hood, do you have a name, or can't you tell me that either?

Hooded Stranger: I have traveled all across this great land, over hill and dale, desert and marsh, gulf and woodlands, hither and thither...

Nick yawns.

Hooded Stranger: ...but around here I am often called "Lenny".

Dudycha: Right. Lenny. So how far is Maryland, anyway?

Phil sits in his favorite egg-shaped alcove in front of The Boss's desk, as The Boss himself simply paces back and forth in front of him. Rudolph Talbot looks on with an expression of extreme self-contentment.

Phil Bond: I feel like I'm Gary Sinise...

The Boss: As we suspected, he must have undergone some kind of reconstructive surgery, which is why we haven't been able to locate him. There's no way I can adequately express our sincere regret and deepest apologies for this misunderstanding.

Phil Bond: <incredibly suspicious> I thought you said that you don't make mistakes like this.

The Boss: We don't. All record of your time spent here will be either expunged or altered with Agent Bond's profile. Don't worry, nothing like this will ever happen again.

Phil Bond: How the hell could you even confuse the two of us? I'm barely out of High School, for pity's sake! Ask him!

Phil points to Rudy, who's just smiling to himself.

Rudolph Talbot: Yeah, I knew he was a fake the whole time.

Phil Bond: See! He agrees with me!

The Boss: Now it's just a simple matter of setting everything back in order.

Phil Bond: Well, at least Liz will be happy to hear this. She gets really worried when I just disappear for days at a time like this, and something tells me that she doesn't like Ange all that much...

Liz: Scorponok, KILL!

Scorponok pounces on the life-sized Agent 37 mockup in the bedroom, shredding everything from the waist up. Two hand-sized plastic bubbles of canola oil fall to the ground with a distinct splat.

Liz: Bad Scorponok! If you do it too quickly she won't suffer! Next time aim for the lips.

Scorponok: HUG!!

Liz: No hugs for you, mister, until you get it right!

</cut>

The Boss: <ignoring him> We'll file all the necessary paperwork, and have you reimbursed for lost time damages. It'll be like this never happened.

Phil Bond: Wait, did you say re--?

The Boss: --imbursed. Yes.

Phil Bond: Great! I'll finally be able to replace Orange's Megatron!

The Boss: Indeed.

Phil gets out of the chair, careful not to hit his head as he has done so many times in the past.

Phil Bond: Where is Ange, anyway? I wanted to say goodbye before I dropped off her map completely. She's saved my life more than once, so I figure I owe her that much.

Rudolph Talbot: <barely able to contain himself> Oh, I think that she's off with Phil on a little catch-up assignment doing some "undercover" work...

The Boss: Rudy...

Rudolph Talbot: Or you could say >snicker< you could say that she's a little "tied up" at the moment!

The Boss: <hand over face> Idiot...

Phil Bond: ...I don't get it.

<Elsewhere, Nearby (how bored do I have to be to stick those two together, eh?)>

Agent 37 and Edward Norton lay beneath the sheets in a bed inside a small, cramped room that and looks like the interior of a submarine, except made out of cinder block. Agent 37 rests her head on the spot between Ed's chest and shoulder, as women are ought to do in situations like these. She traces her fingertips along his chest as he runs his own fingers her uncharacteristically liberated mane of hair. He rests his head on his left hand, as all men smug with victory are ought to do in situations like these.

Agent 37: It's been far too long.

Edward Norton: Yeah, I guess.

Ange frowns and goes back to stroking her partner's chest.

Agent 37: You could at least pretend to be happy to see me.

Edward Norton: I'm sorry, Ange. I guess...

He closes his eyes and sees the horrors, the battles, the defeated villains all laughing at him, calling him a sellout, a nobody, a has-been, a bad remake, everything. The very face of Renaud taunts him in a thick French accent, blaming him for letting her go through all of this. Blaming him for leaving her alone. Blaming him for why he did it. It will never be the same, he says. Ed tells himself that whatever may come at least they have this moment together, and that will last forever.

Edward Norton: ...I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Agent 37: While you were gone I felt so cold. It's like I was naked, shivering, all alone in the world with nothing to shield me from its stares and piercing glances.

Edward Norton: No, I think that was just "Gia".

Agent 37: You know how this business is. This society doesn't objectify its men nearly enough. Do you know how hard it is to find quality pictures of male actors online?

Edward Norton: Were you looking for nudie pictures of me?

Agent 37: No, Kevin Spacey.

Edward Norton: Come again?

Agent 37: Hmm. Don't mind if I do. [Author's Note: There, I finally did it for all you sick-minded perverts! You happy now, you gutter-sucking scumbags?]

As they both begin to shift, sirens sound. Agent 37 becomes erect far more quickly than Ed does (I'm not even going to defend myself any more, what's the point?).

Edward Norton: He's coming.

Agent 37: Who's coming?

Edward Norton: The New Boss.

The Boss: <muttering to himself> Now what?

Rudy wastes no time entering an alcove hidden in the apparently seamless wall. He accesses a tactical computer to confirm his fears.

Rudolph Talbot: The perimeter's been breached again. No, this can't be right.

The Boss: What, dammit? Tell me!

Rudolph Talbot: There's almost an entire army coming through!

The Boss: Bring down the blast doors!

Rudolph Talbot: I can't! They're still being reset from when Ed... er... Phil broke in! <pauses thoughtfully> It's almost as if they were waiting until we were vulnerable, like they knew...

Everyone has the same thought at once, but no one believes it except The Boss. Ed and Agent 37 rush into the room moments later, still disheveled. Their clothes aren't on exactly straight, and Ange's usually well-kempt hair is mussed and hastily tied back. Phil looks at her with a completely blank expression, and Agent 37 can't help but look nervously away.

The Boss: What the hell took you two so long to get here. <not waiting for an answer> Never mind. There are bigger things to worry about. Bridge, report!

No answer.

The Boss: Dammit, I mean -- Ops! Report.

There still no answer.

Rudolph Talbot: They must have already taken control of Main Ops. That means they'll be coming--

Rudy is stopped by pounding on the office door. Everyone instinctively moves to the other side of the room.

The Boss: <losing his cool, and his patience> Who the HELL is breaking in now?

Moments later a black baby grand piano bursts into the room as the door is blown aside.

Phil Bond: Ben Folds?

Ben Folds: Never underestimate a Baldwin.

The Boss: You mean to tell me that you orchestrated all of this?

Voice: Not quite.

Even before he enters the room, there is no mistaking who the owner of the voice is. The gall, the utter confidence, the complete and total arrogance in the stilted delivery; it is a voice that can only belong to one legendary Canadian man.

The Boss: YOU!

William Shatner: Hey, Georgie. Miss me?"

Hooded Stranger: We're too late.

Thousands of geeks riot in the streets surrounding the convention center. The madness spills into the harbor where idiotic fanboys do the world a favor and begin spilling themselves into the water. Nick and his strange companion enter the building as it's the only place where people AREN'T.

Inside, they look inside each room until they find something terrible inside Hall D. Upon the podium lies the bruised and battered form of Patrick Stewart.

Hooded Stranger: What happened here?

Patrick Stewart: He >cough< He told them all to "get a life". He's gone mad. He'll be coming for George next, I know he will. Stop him. Avenge this disgrace.

Hooded Stranger: I will. I swear it.

Patrick Stewart: Only you can bring us unity...

And with that, the great actor passes from consciousness.

Hooded Stranger: We have precious little time left, young one.

Dudycha: What, you're just going to leave him here? We have to get him to a hospital!

Hooded Stranger: No. There is no time. <shakes fist> He has gone too far this time. He'll be the undoing of us all unless I stop him.

Dudycha: WHO!?

William Shatner: You've personalized the place, Georgie. That's... so like you. I'm somewhat surprised you had the gall, though. What would Gene think if he were here?

The Boss: What are you doing here, Bill? What do you want?

William Shatner: What do I want? I want *unity* Georgie! I want us to be a family again.

Phil Bond: Dude, what the hell is he talking about?

William Shatner: It's quite simple, Georgie. We need to... reunite... our two agencies. We've let this split go on for far too long. I'll give you a choice: you can join with us willingly... or we take your base by force. This is our chance to... make a difference again. Gene would have wanted it this way.

Ben Folds: Tell them, Willy!

William Shatner: Shut up, Ben. And don't call me "Willy". It's... irritating.

Rudolph Talbot: Boss, do you know what he's blabbering on about?

The Boss: <not taking his eyes off of Shatner> The Agency was founded in the early sixties as an arm of the C.I.A to root out communism in the entertainment industry. Gene Roddenberry was appointed head of the division. He set up Star Trek as a front. It's success was a fluke. It made things... difficult. The real reason for the cancellation of the show was a split in the Agency as to how things were going to be done. Some of us wanted to enjoy our fame. Others wanted to stay truer to the ideals set forth by Roddenberry, rules slowly being bastardized over time. Gene had been removed as head of the division and was replaced by Lucille Ball. She almost ran us into the ground.

Phil Bond: Are you serious? You're serious, aren't you.

The Boss: <pacing> By 1969 we had almost had it. I demanded that we be treated with respect and dignity and allowed some chance to live out the lives that our fame afforded us. We renamed The Agency the American Actors Bureau of the Extradition of Leninism, but no one ever calls it that. Bill, who would have none of it, left with his contingent to Canada -- where even if any good actors were to be found they would eventually migrate south to the United States -- and formed a sister Agency, the Canadian Assemblage of International Non-Marxist Expatriates. And now he has returned to give us the option of reunification... or death.

Phil Bond: Wait wait wait wait wait... so CAINE has come to slay AABEL? This is sounding pretty thin, you guys.

The Boss: It has been said since the division that there is one among us who would be able to offer our two warring sides a chance at Reunification. Bill apparently fancies himself as that person.

William Shatner: And who better than me? I'm smart, talented, and I have a lovely singing voice.

The Boss: Don't! Don't don't don't don't DON'T! Even thirty-five years ago you were throwing your weight around, trying to prove how better you were than all the rest of us, getting in the lunch line early and stealing poor Leonard's bike! You were always there to hold me back! You ruined my career!

Phil Bond: So, hey, if you guys are Canadian, shouldn't you have flapping heads, or something?

William Shatner: <ignoring Phil> It was all in good fun, Georgie.

The Boss: Don't call me "Georgie"!

William Shatner: Hey... don't be like that. Aren't you the least bit curious how I was able to get my men in here so easily. I mean, I must have had inside information, right?

The Boss's eye turn immediately to Ed. Ed looks nervously around, like maybe there might be someone behind him.

The Boss: You! You traitor!

Agent 37: Phil...? Is it true?

Ed looks into her eyes and holds her gently yet firmly by her arms.

Edward Norton: You know that you're the most important thing in the world to me. I never wanted you involved in any of this.

William Shatner: Your star agent changed loyalties, Georgie. He's batting for the visitors now.

The Boss: <to Ed> We sent you to spy on CAINE, not join it. What did he give you?

Ed considers his answer.

Edward Norton: The entire run of the Marvel G1 Transformers comic, including the Headmasters miniseries and the G2 comics. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find the G2 G.I. Joe crossover?

Agent 37: <covering her mouth and backing away. Oh... Phil. No...

William Shatner: We offered your Agent Bond the retirement you never would have given him... in... exchange... for certain information, of course. And when we heard that you had found your erstwhile agent again, alive but none the wiser for his ordeal, I had to send someone in to investigate. Trae, if you would, please.

A Conveniently Shadowed Figure walks out from behind Shatner and stands next to Ben Folds. The Germanic Lumberjack-in-a-Trench coat brandishes his Katar and stares beneath his eyebrows at the captive agents.

William Shatner: It was Agent RavenHawk who helped your Faux Phil to locate and defeat Daler Mehndi. The ninja were ours as well. Unfortunately we could only afford cheap Korean knockoffs.

Phil Bond: Traegorn? This is too damned weird.

The Boss: You know him?

Phil Bond: Yeah! He's not even Canadian, he's from Wisconsin!

William Shatner: Wisconsin... Ontario... what's the difference? North-western Wisconsin is practically in Canada anyhow.

The Boss: I will NOT concede that the capture of Daler Mehndi was your doing!

William Shatner: Oh really? Then I suppose that means you refuse my offer as well.

The Boss: Vehemently.

William Shatner: That's... a pity. Mr. Ravenhawk... I think you know what to do.

Trae doesn't even directly acknowledge the vague order. He just steps forward once, readying his Katar. The Boss, not looking anywhere near as scared as Phil, Ed, Rudy, or Agent 37, merely nods. The Katar slices once...

Ben Folds falls to the ground, holding his abdomen. William Shatner rushes to his fallen comrade's side.

William Shatner: WHY?!

Traegorn RavenHawk: Wisconsin ISN'T in Canada, bitch. Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades in Perfect Dark with one-hit kills turned on. I'll support AABEL before I let you hurt someone as foxy as Ms. Jolie. <nods at Agent 37> My lady.

Agent 37: I guess I should be flattered?

Edward Norton: I guess I should be kicking his ass.

Phil Bond: <motioning his head towards the floor> I guess you'd better calm down before you end up like piano boy down there.

Shatner cradles the form of the slowly-dying musician.

Ben Folds: >gurk!<

William Shatner: Don't... try to speak.

Ben Folds: Ship... out of danger?

William Shatner: What? What ship?

Ben Folds: Did we do it? Did we make a difference?

William Shatner: What are you talking about?

Ben Folds: I have been, and always shall be, your friend...

The musician stares into the space beyond Shatner's head.

Ben Folds: Oh my...

Shatner watches slack-jawed as Folds's body goes limp in his arms.

Phil Bond: Dude, Trae. Orange is gonna be so pissed at you.

Traegorn shrugs. Shatner slowly gets up, shaking a little.

William Shatner: You'll pay for this, George, I swear it. Over the dead body of Ben Folds I promise you--

Ben Folds: I'm not quite dead.

William Shatner: Quiet, you're ruining my... dramatic moment.

Ben Folds: I think I'll pull through.

William Shatner: <sigh> Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I've prepared for something like this. You won't escape me. My kids deal with you. Kids?

The five members of the famous Canadian comedy troupe Kids in the Hall enter through the broken doorway, dressed in drag and dressed for battle.

Phil Bond: Cripes, this is too damned ridiculous.

Phil calmly walks past the actors, over Ben Folds, and around William Shatner.

William Shatner: Just where... do you think you're going?

Phil Bond: Ever since my first mission I've put up with a lot of the crazy crap that goes on around here, and even though it strains my sanity most of the time, I've endured the fact that my entire life since then has been like one endless in-joke and pratfall. I know that the Chanukah Hebrew told me that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but I'd need the entire sand-sifted Eastern seaboard to swallow this one. I'm going home.

Before Phil can make good on this threat, he is nearly mowed down by a blond-haired college freshman, quickly followed by an unapologetic hooded man. The first of the two bowls neatly into the five "Kids". All six lay in a dazed heap.

William Shatner: A sneak attack! My forces have been compromised!

The Boss: Go, Ange, Phil and Phil! Save yourselves!

The two old men get into a rather tame fistfight. Shatner overacts as usual, and the Boss taps in on his own intense training as an actor to counter. The Hooded Figure places a commanding hand on each of their shoulders, and the sparring pair look up at the tall man.

Hooded Figure: Genuk!

The man stands straight and tall and throws aside his cloak. His speech lapses into an older dialect, one that commands respects and commands fear from all those present who hear it. The two bosses stare on in awe and recognition.

William Shatner: It... can't be...

Leonard Nimoy: Bill, my boy, don't act like such a nebish. And you, George, get off your knees and shut your pisk. You look like a kurva.

The Boss: He has returned!

Nimoy rounds the desk and sits in the Boss's chair.

William Shatner: You can't take over! This is *my* gig...

Leonard Nimoy: You've sure developed a lot of chutzpah to talk to me like that. Don't be such a kvetch. I don't think I need to remind you two nudnicks of my qualifications to lead the Reunification of these two agencies. Besides, can you do this?

Nimoy raises a flattened palm out to the others and makes a space between his middle and ring fingers. Shatner and The Boss try to imitate him, but to no avail.

Leonard Nimoy: Oh, stop. You two look so facacta.

William Shatner: You win this round, Leonard, but I'll be back.

Leonard Nimoy: Only a schmendrick would expect otherwise. You must think me a meshugina.

Work crews start removing the mostly unconscious Canadians, as well as most of the decorations inside the office.

Phil Bond: Did I miss something?

Leonard Nimoy: Did the goyim just talk to me?

The Boss: No, sir.

Leonard Nimoy: Come here, George. <The Boss leans in> You're fired. You too, Agent Bond.

Phil and Ed: Me?

Leonard Nimoy: Both of you. I've seen Mr. Talbot in action. That shagitz is all I need to start rebuilding. The rest of you are a bunch of golems.

Edward Norton: What about Ange?

Leonard Nimoy: You make me want to laugh until I plotz. You *really* must think I'm a meshugina to fire a girl with such a shayna punim. Tell that Agent Ngo nosher that he's gone, too. He's not even an actor. Now, get out, all of you. I haven't had my coffee today and I'm starting to feel a little farklempt.

Agent 37: Phil!

Both Phil and Ed turn around to look at Ange, then they look at each other. They don't have time to say anything else before they are forced outside.

Edward Norton: Well that was certainly weird.

Phil Bond: Yeah. So what are you going to do now?

Edward Norton: I don't know.

The two fall silent as they watch Traegorn pace around outside frantically.

Phil Bond: You know, I was thinking. It would have been a lot funnier if you were someone that no one could have possibly made the mistake of thinking I was you.

Edward Norton: Like who?

Phil Bond: I don't know. Kevin Spacey, maybe. He's a pretty classy guy.

Edward Norton: I don't know who should be more insulted by that statement, me or you.

They fall silent again. They see Traegorn starting to lose it. The two Phils seem a little too depressed to care.

Phil Bond: You know, I really enjoyed Fight Club.

Edward Norton: Thanks. You're alright, kid.

Phil Bond: It's too bad about your Megatron, though.

Edward Norton: Yeah, tell me about it. <reaches for a backpack> Here, I want you to have something...

Ed reaches into the sack and pulls out an issue of Transformers #75, signed by Simon Furman.

Phil Bond: I... I'm sorry. I can't take this.

Edward Norton: No, I insist. Don't worry, I have two more at home. I just brought that along for something to read.

Ed hoists up the backpack and gives Phil a weak salute.

Edward Norton: I suspect I'll just go off and make another movie now, or something. See you around, kid.

As Ed walks off, Phil stares at the bagged and boarded comic he holds loosely in his hands, not moving, not saying anything. As he stares he almost starts to clench his hands and damage the comic. The gall...

Phil Bond: This means war...

Traegorn RavenHawk: <to no one in particular> Has anyone seen my car?

Dudycha drives down the highway in a red sports car, laughing maniacally.

Dudycha: They want a car? I'll show them a damned car!

Suddenly a blue sports car with nifty blue flame detailing pulls up alongside Dudycha.

Side Burn: Hey baby, come here often?

Dudycha: What the hell?

Moments later a Lamborghini-turned-police-car flares its sirens and comes up behind the two revving vehicles. It doesn't seem as interested in the red one, however.

Prowl: Side Burn! Don't make me come over there and rearrange your motherboard!

Dudycha: What the hell is going on here?

Indeed. What the hell *is* going on?

>To Be Continued in: "Robots in Disguise: The Lost OAV"!

NOT The End