<Some Dark Alley>

Cheetor Charges down the Alley in his "Look at me, I have Giant Pecs" mode, followed shortly by a stream of Tank drones

Cheetor:  HERE THEY COME! <He Charges into an open court yard where Rattrap is waiting>   Got that "secret weapon" ready?

Rattrap:  Yeah kiddo! <lifts cable>

Cheetor:  Then do it NOW!

The Tank drones storm into the court yard, and Rattrap lifts the cable and begins to spin around

Nightscream: Eep. <Nightscream, who is attached to the end of Rattrap's cable, begins to fly through the air -- colliding with the Tank drones, and ultimately making them go boom. Nightscream falls to the ground> Uhh...

Cheetor: Wow Rattrap!  That worked great!

Nightscream: <from the ground> ...medic...

Cheetor: But, um, I'm not sure Optimus would approve.

Rattrap: Eh, I've got some grenade thingies too.

Cheetor: That works.

Nightscream: Some... help here?

<Back at the big Stargate looking Vector Sigma Thingie>

Primal:  Give me some guidance, dammit!  You'll give anyone named Megatron the friggin' key, but you won't give me any help?  Sheesh! <stalks off>   ...I'm gonna go watch the Matrix again...

Oracle: PRIMAL!

Primal: !!

Oracle: Yeah, that's right Bitch!  I'm talkin' to you!

Primal: But...

Oracle: Bitch, shut your ass up so I can tell you where the Plasma energy chamber is!

<Tankorr's Hideout>

Tankorr: Maybe I should have had the Drone write the Oracle vision instead of Benny....

Benny: What's that foo'?!

Tankorr: Never mind.  I have another important job for you.

Benny: <rubbing his palms together> Anything you want, my man, hah hah!

Tankorr: I have already dispatched Bob Sk-- I mean, the Diagnostic Drone -- on an important errand.  I need you to do something very dangerous, very risky for me.      It will require your cab driver-like intellect and skill to--

Benny: Get to the point man!  Shee-it, I ain't heard no one babble on like that since I offed Kuato back on Mars!

Tankorr: I need you to talk to Mr. Bamt for me.  Convince him to side with us against Megatron.  As for myself, I have my own business to attend to.

Benny: Uh, maybe you're right man, this is a little out of my league.

Tankorr: You saying this simple task is above even the great Benny?  You have five kids to feed you know.

Benny: And I 'spect you gonna want me to do th' hokey pokey all over Megatron's skirt-wearin' ass next?

Tankorr: <in serious tone> Don't EVER joke about that!

Benny: Why the hell not man?  What gives?

Tankorr's eye glazes over...

<flashback>

Megatron: Hahahahahaha!  Yeeeesssss, dance my general.  Dance!

Tankorr: Dragon-bot make it stop!  Tankorr not have enough points of articulation!

Tankorr's servos whir and pop.

Thrust: Hold me Duncan, hold me....

</flashback>

Tankorr: Rrrrrr...

<Just Outside Megatron's Battalion of Bombastic Behemoths>

Megatron: Yeeeeeeeessssss...

Drone: Did you enjoy your bath, sire?

Megatron: Most refreshing, yeeeeeessss...  All is in readiness, I presume?

The tank drones outside begin powering up, each with their own Key to Vector Sigma.   NickBee, in 1998 Volkswagen Beetle mode, zips about inspecting the army.

Drone: Yes, my liege.  Though, may I inquire as to the purpose of this... aggression?

Megatron: Phil Bond caught me unaware when he came to Cybertron.  Well, not again.  Nooooo...  This time I will be ready for him...

NickBee zooms inside and comes to a screeching halt.

Megatron: ...this time, he will pay the penalty for his transgression.  When Phil Bond sets foot again on Cybertron, I will destroy the organic cretin with one powerful blast!  His evil will be wiped from my technologically pure vision of Cybertron.  Yeeeessss...

NickBee: Yo, boss, <rasps metallic knuckles on his skull> what about me?

Megatron: Indeed.  Yeessssss... prepare the weapon!

Drone: Sire, if I may...

Megatron: Yes?

Drone: Why wait for the very powerful, and very cunning Phil Bond to strike first, when you have the tools at your disposal to rid yourself of him before he even becomes a threat?

Megatron: <pondering> Continue, Drone, I am intrigued.

Drone: I have in my databanks the schematic for a powerful device that not traverses not only space, but time and the very fabric of reality itself.  We could use it to, say, deposit your entire army in his own back yard.

Megatron: Yeeeesssss, I do believe I like this plan.  Proceed, Bob Skir!   But I warn you if you fail me, there will be dire consequences.   Yeeeeeeessss...  NickBee!  Round up your comrades.  It's time we began.

NickBee: Began what, boss?

Megatron's eyes narrow.

Megatron: ... Endgame.

<Some deep dark cavern>

The Maximals are walking down a passage.

Primal: So, that's when the Oracle told me to shut my ass up, and gave us the tool we needed to defeat Megatron!

Rattrap <Whispering to Cheetor>: Hey Bigbot, didn't you say that the Oracle had been tampered with?

Cheetor: Hey Bigbot, didn't you say that the Oracle had been tampered with?

Primal: Yeah, but I figured that was the reason it kept calling me "Monkey Bitch"

Blackarachnia: Uh huh.... <stops> Great, a dead end.

Rattrap <Whispering to Cheetor>: Now tell me again why we're here in Robot mode?

Cheetor: Now tell me again why we're here in Robot mode?

Primal: <points ahead> That!

<Somewhere some place else, just a few minutes ago...>

Computer: Maximal signatures detected.

Mr. Bamt: excellent............mr bamt....... ridicu--

Benny: Mr. Bamt!  Yo bitch, I been looking all over for your ugly-as-a-mutant ass!

Mr. Bamt: what do you want kiddie..............didnt you abandon me and leave me to megatron?................apologize!

Benny: Naw, man, it ain't like that!

Mr. Bamt: APOLOGIZE!!

Benny: Woah, that's coo'.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for you draggin' my mutant ass out onto some distant fuckin' planet when I got me responsiblities foo'!   Shee-it!  I got five kids to feed!

Mr. Bamt: .......................

Benny: Don'tcha remember when it was just us, man?  Cruisin' the cosmos for some space poontang?  We coulda had somethin', man!  We coulda made a difference!

Mr. Bamt:  ...........whats your point kiddie....................

Benny: <somberly> Come back with me.  Help me stop Megatron.  Make a difference again.

Mr. Bamt: fine...........on one condition....................

Benny: Yo, what's that?

Mr. Bamt:  I get to be on top.

Benny: You got it, bitch!

Benny transforms and combines with Mr. Bamt, and they start drilling their way underground.

Benny Bamt: PLASMA ENERGY CHAMBER HERE WE COME!

<Rejoining the Maximals moments later>

Primal: Wait for it.... Wait for it....

A Big Ass Mole Tank busts through the retaining wall.

Benny Bamt: DIE KIDDIES!  YOUR ASS IS MINE!

A huge device charges up and Benny Bamt gets zapped, plunges over the edge, blah blah blah, you saw episode 13...

Primal: The Plasma Energy Chamber!

Rattrap: What? You want to reshoot the Rebirth so it doesn't suck?

Primal: <Sigh> In my Oracle download I was given the ability to control the Plasma Energy Chamber.  I can release it planetwide and wipe out all of this Evil technology!

Blackarachnia: Dooms day...

(Doomsday: MUH-TRO-POL-ISSSSSSS!!!)

Nightscream: Umm, am I the only one who sees a problem with that?

Primal: What do you mean?

Nightscream: We're half robotic still.  It would kill all of us!

Rattrap: Shut up kid <Shoots Nightscream>

Primal: Thanks Rattrap.

Rattrap: No problem. Hey Optimus, I think the Plasma Energy Chamber used its last shot zapping the moletank.

Plasma Energy Chamber: Hey! When you get this old let's see you do better!

Primal: Hmmm... Damn... Wait! I have an idea! <looks at Blackarachnia>

Blackarachnia: Uh oh...

Primal: Blackarachnia, we need to jump-start it with your ghetto booty.

Blackarachnia: My WHAT!

Primal: I'm sorry, your massive abdomen.

Rattrap: Now wait one slaggin' minute! Who's writing this section?  Traegorn or the Orange?

Primal: Traegorn

Rattrap: Traegorn RavenHawk!

TRH: What is it?

Rattrap:   What the hell is this!? <referring to the "Ghetto booty">

TRH: It's in her bio and tech specs.  Meh.

Cheetor: <to Blackarachnia> No wonder your ass is so big.

Primal: Well, there's no arguing with Hasbro.  Now, like I said, plug her in!

<They jump start the Plasma Energy Chamber with Blackarachnia's abdomen>

Primal: Now, off to destroy the world!  La dee da!

Rattrap <Whispering to Cheetor>: Optimus!  You've gone too far!

Cheetor: Optimus! You've gone too far!  This is insane!

Rattrap: Don't improv, kid.

Cheetor: Sorry.

Primal: What do you mean?

Rattrap <Whispering to Cheetor>: Make something up!

Cheetor: Make something up!

Rattrap smacks Cheetor.

Cheetor: I mean... I mean you're talking about killing off all the sparks when you say that!

Rattrap: Not bad!

Cheetor: Can I have some pie now?

Rattrap: Sure Hot Rod.

Cheetor: I AM NOT HOT ROD! <Runs off, runs back -- taking some pie from Rattrap -- and runs off again>

Primal: Hmmm, and that would make Season 2 pretty pathetic also... Well Cheetor, as Second in command, what do you suggest?

Cheetor is nowhere to be seen.

Rattrap: <Clears throat> Eh, Optimus, uh... Cheetor was telling me about a plan he thought up... yeah, that's the ticket... about using my Plant grenades to kick some but while you go smack Megatron around or something.

Primal: Sounds good to me!

<Below the walkway as the Maximals walk past>

Benny tries desperately to disengage from Mr. Bamt and finally succeeds.

Mr. Bamt: ............did we do it..................did we make.....................a difference.....................

Benny: Oh yeah, we did.  Thank you.

Mr. Bamt: it was..............fun................kiddie............

Benny: Yo!  Who you callin' a "kid," foo'!?  I got five kids to feed!

Mr. Bamt: apologize....................right now...................to my...............

Mr. Bamt speaks no more.

Benny: ...

Mr. Bamt: ...

Benny: Shee-it, man!

<Back at the Machine Mogul's Megaplex of Marauders>

TRH: Wow, that amazingly didn't suck!  I'm impressed.

TheOrange: Thanks. :)

A massive structure surges with even more massive power in front of the army of tank drones.  The Diagnostic Drone pushes the door open.

Drone: >huff< this thing is heavier than Unicron...

Unicron: Silence, infidel!

<inside>

The Drone flies up to Megatron's side.

Megatron: Is all in readiness?

Drone: Yes, my liege.

Megatron: Then let the end of Phil Bond, er, begin!  Yeeeeeessssss... Activate the Giant Transwarp Chamber!

The Giant Transwarp Chamber activates.

Megatron: Send in the drones!

Drone <Singing>: They're already here...

One row at a time, the massive tank army enters the giant structure.

<April 2000 -- Earth>

Spqqky: Tank drones with their own Key to Vector Sigma... sweeeeeet!

<Cybertron>

NickBee: <into his Comm. unit> NickBee to Jetstorm, do you copy?

Jetstorm: <From radio> Indeed, annoying-Yellow-guy-who-isn't-named-Cheetor, over.

NickBee: I've found Mr. Bamt.  He's not going to be any help I don't think...

Jetstorm: Say... what?

NickBee: Bamt is dead.

Benny: <quietly, from the corner> shut up.....kiddie....

NickBee: ??

Benny: I said shut your bitch ass up!  Whatchu lookin' at!

NickBee: Uhhhh...okay.....  So, Jetstorm, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

<On the surface>

Jetstorm: <into comm unit> Well big and blonde, there's nothing you can do.   Get up here and help us.  Over and out.

Jetstorm swoops to a lower latitude, where we see a squad of Jet-drones behind him.   On the ground is Thrust in hot pursuit of Cheetor. 

Jetstorm: Hello Maximal, I'd like to teach you a little lesson.  Didn't your big Buddha monkey tell you to never go outside ALONE at night?

Cheetor: Umm, no.  But he told me never to lose my mittens.

Jetstorm: Okay...

Cheetor: Yep, he said that to me, Ravage, and Tigatron...

Jetstorm: Wasn't Tigatron already dead when Ravage showed up....

TRH: Quiet!  No nitpicking from the cast!

Jetstorm: Sheesh.

TRH: Now, be a good little boy and fall into a trap.

Jetstorm: Say what?

TRH: Ummm, nothing.... Hey! Look over there! <points>

Jetstorm: Huh?

TRH: <runs off>

TheOrange: You're a disembodied voice, you can't run off.

TRH: Shut. Up. <Shoots TheOrange>

The street narrows and we see a shot of Rattrap and Blackarachnia lying in wait on opposite sides of the road. 

Rattrap: Ready Webs?

Blackarachnia: I think I should have been in Tarantulas form...

As the Cycle drones approach, Blackarachnia tosses out a web, ensnaring the Cycle drones and Thrust.  Rattrap tosses out a few plant grenades trapping them into place.

Thrust: Just when I finally get some screen time...

Jetstorm: Ha! Thrust, you are such an idio..<a plant grenade falls on Jetstorm> <sheepishly> Say what? <Jetstorm looks up to see Nightscream wink at him right before dropping like a lead balloon>

Nightscream: <takes out the Jet-drones> <singing> I'm not useless, I'm not useless... 

Rattrap: Shut up flyboy <Shoots Nightscream>

Blackarachnia:  Now what?

Rattrap: Well, now I'm going to go hack into Megatron.

Blackarachnia: Why?

Rattrap: Well, three reasons.  One, I want to find out where the missing sparks are, and two I want to disable Megatron.

Blackarachnia: And the third?

Rattrap: It's an obvious plot device for me to be occupied.

Blackarachnia: Ahh...

<A Legion of Tank drones break through the wall>

Cheetor: Mommy!

<Back at Meg's home of hAcK the pLANe+!>

Megatron: He found WHAT!?

Diagnostic Drone: I hate to give you such bad news, especially since you've already sent most of your army to 21st Century Earth...

Megatron: The Plasma Energy Chamber is just a legend.  Yeeeeesssss...

Drone: So was the Oracle.  Do you sense a pattern here?

Megatron: Of all the episodes to research, you just had to watch "The Rebirth..."

<Just outside>

A human figure emerges from the Giant Transwarp Chamber...

THUGGED OUT: WE'RE RUNNIN THIS PLANET.  YOU CA--

...and is promptly run over by thirty tank drones.

After being shot repeatedly with the key.

<Back inside>

Megatron: I believe I shall do something I should have done a long time ago.   Yeeeeesssss...

Megatron strokes his chin.

Drone: What is that, sire?

Megatron: Thinking.

<Several rooms away>

Walkerton: Wiigii!

Rattrap: <staring into computer terminal> Now *that's* entertainment.

Primal: <over comm link> Rattrap!  Are you hacking into Megatron's database?

Rattrap quickly shuts down "itswalky.com" and plugs himself into the terminal.

Rattrap: Waaay too deep into it to talk right now, Optimus.

Primal: You weren't surfing the 'Net again, were you?

Rattrap: Well, I was about to buy a Joyce mug...

Primal: <distracted> Say, have you seen Nightscream?

Rattrap: <looking around quickly> Can't say that I have,  Boss Monkey.    I'll let you know if he shows up.

Primal: Alright.  Primal out.

Rattrap: Lousy stinkin'... <pauses when he finds something in the database> oh hey, this is big.  This is real big.  I gotta warn Optimus!

Tankorr: I don't think so.

Rattrap: Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?

Benny: <appearing out of nowhere> Tankorr!  Bitch, you set us up!

Tankorr: <taps his foot> <under breath> Here it comes... <out loud> What are you talking about?

Benny: You sent me and my homey into an ambush, you knew the Maximals would take him out!  Shee-it, man...

Tankorr: <getting impatient> The Plasma Energy Chamber doesn't harm organics.    You were never in any danger.  Now <motions to Rattrap> may I shoot him?

Benny: How could you, man?

Tankorr: Mr. Bamt was a random variable that I could not afford to disrupt my plans.    He needed to be... neutralized.

Benny:  Listen up, bitch, he never hurt anyone!  He just whined a lot and made up hypothetical fights!

Tankorr: It doesn't matter anymore, Mr. Bamt is GONE!

Benny: Wrong, kiddie!

Benny stands toe-to-tread with Tankorr.

Benny: *I* am Mr. Bamt!

Rattrap: And I've got one last trick up my sleeve.

Tankorr/Benny: What's that?

Rattrap pulls out Nightscream-on-a-cable.

Rattrap: This!

Rattrap flings Nightscream at Tankorr and Benny.

Tankorr catches the cable in mid-air.

Rattrap: Uh oh... <ulp> we're all gonna die...

Tankorr: <Aims his key weapon> Indeed.  But first...

Tankorr shoots Benny with the Key.

Tankorr: <holding Nightscream in front of him> Who's next?

Rattrap: Er, uh... hurt the kid and answer to me, Rhinox old buddy.

Tankorr: Hehe... such heroic nonsense...

<blam>

<Somewhere else>

Cheetor is fighting about 50 Tank Drones.

Cheetor: Gah! Mommy!

Blackarachnia: <sitting on top of a tied up Jetstorm> Become a Maximal!

Jetstorm: No, dammit!

Cheetor and Blackarachnia get shot with the key

<Megatron's house of Massive Megalomaniacal Murals>

Primal: <Walks in> Megatron! We end this now!

Megatron: <lowers> Ah, Optimus.  So good to see you again.  I thought you would be off planting a little garden or something equally futile.

Primal: I don't think you seem to understand, Megatron.  Your days are over.

Megatron: My days? I don't think you understand. <pulls up view screens> Your troops have been neutralized.

Primal: <Reprograms view screens> So are yours.

Megatron: Guh... uh... Tank drones?

Primal: Oh, like those count.

Megatron: Uh, well.... NickBee?

Primal: Nope, not him either.  So?  Give up?

Megatron: No!  I'm still the one attached to the ceiling. Neener neener neener.

Primal:  Your technology will no longer pollute the true destiny of Cybertron.

Megatron:  The true Destiny of Cybertron?  The destiny of Cybertron is for it to be united under my mind!  And although my troops have been disabled, so have yours, and I still have the power to stop you!

Primal: <Grabs Megatron> You may stop me, you may stop my team, but you cannot stop the will of the Matrix -- because you CANNOT stop the will of PRIMUS! Primus demands that this world be restored to it's natural organic state, and no matter how much you try you will never be more powerful than the planet itself! 

<Tankorr rolls in and shoots Primal with the Key>

Tankorr: So --

Megatron: Shut up Tankorr.  Yes,  I knew you were alive, and everything you did, blah blah blah, and before you say a word, you can't hurt me <restraints form around Tankorr> and anything you do is utterly futile.  Now, be a good boy and stay out of the way.

Tankorr's jaw drops.  The Diagnostic Drone flies up beside him.

Megatron: And you, my "faithful" drone, you helped him all this time?

Diagnostic Drone: I am deeply apologetic my liege, but remember who I am.

Megatron: Bob Skir.

Bob Skir / Diagnostic Drone: Yes, Bob Skir.

Megatron: Your betrayal is of no consequence to me.  In your absence I constructed a new Diagnostic Drone to take your place.  Bob Skir, meet... Marty Isenberg.

A drone identical to the first appears next to Megatron.

All: GASP!

Megatron: He has succeeded where you have failed, and has found a way to separate me from my wretched, yet hip and swank, beast mode!

Marty Isenberg / Diagnostic Drone, Mark II: Hi.

BS/DD: We've met...

<flashback>

Marty Isenberg: Hey, I have a keen idea, why don't we listen to what the fans want?

Bob Skir: Shut up, Marty.

Marty Isenberg: But I mean, come on, a plant?

Bob Skir: Shut up, Marty.

Marty Isenberg: And what about Iacon?

Bob Skir: Shut up, Marty!

Ace Fipke: Hold me, Marv... hold me.

</flashback>

Primal: <fighting against the effects of the key> I can still stop you, Megatron.  Remember, I control the Plasma Energy Chamber.  It will single-handedly return Cybertron to an organic paradise!

Megatron: No it won't, you'll just blow us all up.  Didn't you see "The Rebirth?"  Yeeeeeesssss...

Primal: I can't, because *somebody* erased all the data tracks on Cybertron.

Tankorr: May I interject?

Primal/Megatron: NO!

Megatron: <to Primal> Regardless, Optimus Primal, I don't believe that you'd go as far as to destroy this planet simply to thwart my plans.

BS/DD: Is that so?

The Diagnostic Drone shows Marv Wolfman's original treatments for Beast Wars Season 4 to Optimus.

Primal: REEAARGH!!!

The Plasma Energy Chamber activates, and green plasma energy begins to tear the planet apart.

Megatron: So be it, Optimus Primal!  Let the chips fall where they may!

An assload (that's a technical term) of cycle- and aero-drones unleashes the power of the key on the Giant Transwarp Chamber.  The energy streaks across Cybertron, and the planet is caught in a dance between technological perfection and certain destruction.

<high in orbit>

Mick: Hey Chas, what do you suppose is going on down there?

Chas: I don't know, but that's not ISHQ.  Let's get out of here.

Mick: Good idea.  I need a pint, anyway.

<Cybertron>

Bob Skir / Diagnostic Drone: Oh dear.

Marty Isenberg / Diagnostic Drone, Mark II: You said it.

Bob Skir / Diagnostic Drone: Shut up, Marty.

Optimus, smiling at his certain victory, suddenly frowns as his fingers quickly disappear.

Primal: Whoops.

>To be Continued

Next time on The Lost Episodes:

Megatron: Push, Bob Skir!

Unicron: <snort> ...amateur.