Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
The Lost Episodes: A Fanfic of Not-Quite-Epic Proportions
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
Robots in Disguise: The Lost OAV
The Misdaventures of Phil Bond, Accidental Secret Agent
Episode 24 - The End of the Beginning of the End, Part 1 - Me Tankorr Too!
by TheOrange - 20.JAN.2004
Lost Episodes Reading Order  < 29 > 

Last Time on the Lost Episodes...


Cheetor: Wash the Mittens of Leadership?  Never!


Cheetor: <coming out from under a mountain of socks> Whoops.


Silverbolt: It does not matter what you look like... it is your *spark* that I love.

Blackarachnia/Tarantulas: Oh, Silverbolt... ehHehEHeHhEhEh...


Thrust: I guess you can never go back.  I guess you can only go forward.

Familiar Gruff Voice: More true than you think.

Thrust: <whipping around> Tankorr!?!?


And now back to the story.

<Megatron's Litigious Lair, Just Before the End of the Last Episode>

Stryka and Obsidian: Hail Megatron!

The Main Council chamber room is filled with an eerie red light as Tetris blocks flit through the air.  Megatron, shadowed, emanates twin beams of destruction from his chest.

Megatron: The world is rotten!

He transforms into a jet and hovers before several lines of blocks that he shoots down Invader-style.

Megatron: The Maximals are a continued threat to the perfection Cybertron is destined to achieve under my poly-alloy fist!

The successfully shot block form a walkway which Megatron later falls as a powerful land vehicle, demolishing pieces of flooring that leap up and threaten to run through him.  He misses one, utters a guttural cry, and begins falling into the apparently endless abyss.  Obsidian and Stryka peer over the edge.

Obsidian: So much for the new body...

Suddenly a massive and eerily familiar purple, red, and gray robot floats up on twin jets from behind them.

Megatron: You FOOLS!  If Optimus Primal can't die by falling, then by virtue of using his body neither can I!

The lights slowly come on to reveal the ceiling covered by piping and tentacles, a messy and massive array of machinery the purpose of which cannot be discerned simply by looking at it.  The surviving Tetris blocks form a walkway to a work area where Megatron's new form was born, where Marty... er... The Diagnostic Drone, Mark II is busy smashing Megatron's old diagnostic drone body with a hammer.  The senior drone watches in severe disapproval.

Skir: Something's wrong here...

Marty: You're right, I'm having too much fun.  <swinging hammer> Take THAT!

Megatron: <coming up to them from the walkway> Excellent, yeessssss.  It's nice to see someone enjoying his work.

Obsidian and Stryka: Of course, sire!

Megatron: Shut up.

Obsidian and Stryka: Of course, sire!

As Marty continues hammering away in the background, Megatron summons several surveillance view screens.  Several scenes are shown, the remains of the Manhole of Doom and a censorship mosaic covering a small spot in the middle, The Big Giant Head on another, and in the middle screen is Thrust facing a very familiar-looking Vehicon General.

Megatron: We shall soon be ready to make our final strike... but first, it's time to bring a few wayward sparks back into the fold.  Yesssss...

The Diagnostic Drone glares as Megatron summons a characteristic belly laugh.

<The Manhole of Doom II>

In front of Thrust stands a beaten and battered Tankorr so incredibly dented and creased that it seems like he had been smashed as flat as a pancake and pounded back into his normal shape and size with rusty hammers.  Thrust barely notices that he ha

Tankorr?: It... good... to see Thrust again...

Thrust: Wha... how is this possible?  We all thought you were toasted last season, and, uh...

Thrust watches Tankorr try to count the number of dead Cheetor heads on one of the playing cards scattered on the ground.

Thrust: Didn't you get smart?

Tankorr??!: Me Tankorr not smart!  Me Tankorr SMASH!

Tankorr pounds the ground in front of him, causing the cards and disembodied Tankorr head to rattle on the ground.  Thrust glances and the implements and stares at the very intact Tankorr in front of him.  Thrust's robotic face performs the rough equivalent of a human raising an eyebrow.

Thrust: Not Tankorr... the replacement?  Grimlock?

Tankorr?? Maybe?: Me Tankorr, Too!  Big Coke Machine say so!

Thrust: Yeah, Tankorr Too, whatever.  So, what, you've been moping around this planet the whole time having Primus knows what kind of adventures without me when I've been bored and alone for longer than I can remember, defending my last shreds of sanity against all comers?  Just what the hell have you been doing all this time?


Tankorr is surrounded by petro rabbits.


Thrust: There's no need to go into a flashback!

Tankorr Too: Me sorry, Thrust...

Thrust: Look, sorry about that.  I thought I'd finally have someone to hang with when Megatron first brought you back, but then you disappeared on me.  How long has it been?

Tankorr Too: Thrust be Tankorr's new friend?

Thrust: Come on you big idiot!  Who else would put up with you?

Tankorr Too: Oh happy day!

Tankorr Too begins stomping around, and Thrust is given the impression that if he had a tail he'd be thrashing it about wildly at this point.  Before he can consider the matter further, Tankorr Too picks him up and gives him a near-deadly bear hug.

Thrust: >GURK!<

Tankorr Too: Will Thrust help Tankorr find Old Friend?

Thrust: What the hell are you talking about?

Tankorr Too shows Thrust a small view screen.  Thrust snatches it from him and looks at the image on the screen.  He sees a concave object and two black hands with yellow wrists...

Voice: <from view screen> Am I original?  Yeaaah... Am I the only one?  Yeaaah...  Everybody Jam!

Thrust: You know, Tankorr, you're not as stupid as you look!

Tankorr Too appears pleased with the pseudo-praise.

Thrust: If we can tag Blackarachnia with one of these we might be able to make use of your namesake's ISDN line yet!  <holding screen sideways> What the heck is he holding...?

<Maximals' Technorganic Garden in the Shade>

NickBee rolls an empty popcorn bowl between his hands as he paces back and forth in front of Botanica, who is tolerating his restlessness and off-key singing with the patience of a saint.  Rattrap suddenly storms by the angsty Maximal, holding a stack of papers in his hand with the words "Episode 14, Written by Nightscream" on the front page,  and thrusts the manuscript in front of Botanica.

Rattrap: Where is he?  Where is that dead, diseased flying rat?  He's dead, you know!

NickBee: Do you mind?  I'm trying to think, here!

Rattrap: Muzzle it, Timberlake!

Nightscream: <popping up behind Rattrap> Did someone call me?

Rattrap: <shaking script> What is this?  "They embrace each other as their world crumbles to dust around them."  <mocking voice> "'Hold me in your big, strong arms, Blackarachnia.  Make me feel safe.'"

Nightscream: Creative license?

Rattrap: <brandishing gun> Let's see how creative you feel with only the left side of your braincase intact!

Nightscream: Mommy!

NickBee skims the script tossed on the ground as Rattrap shoots Nightscream a couple of times, missing the intended body part.  Ignoring the display behind him, NickBee turns to Botanica.

NickBee: Optimus sure has been gone a long time.  What did you say to him, Botanica?

Botanica looks down at her roots and clears her throat.

<The Oracle Chamber>

Primal sleeps peacefully under a clear, starry sky.  He stirs and stretches in complete ecstasy.  The ground beneath him moves a little, which is enough to make him snap awake.  He looks around nervously.

Primal: What happened?  Where--?

The camera zooms out from the serene scenery to reveal Optimus being cradled lovingly by two disembodied arms popping out on either side of the Oracle view screen.  Optimus's face fills with horror.

The Oracle: You were wonderful, Mr. P...

Optimus tries to break free of the loving embrace, but can't move.  He turns around to face the screen only to see a giant pair of robot lips inching towards him.

<The Maximal Gardens, Below>


The Four Maximals perk up as they hear the cry.  Rattrap stops chasing Nightscream long enough for him to limp away.

<The Manhole of Doom II>


<The Citadel>


Megatron: <smirking> Yeeeesssss...

<Out in Space, Near the Vicinity of Unicron's Head>


<Inside the Megahead>

Cheetor: Did you hear that?  Big Bot's in trouble!  I gotta go help him!

T-Wrecks: Go anywhere before you clean up this mess, and you'll never eat pie again!

Cheetor: Ulp...

<The Technorganic Garden>

Botanica and NickBee waste no time and transform, traveling up to the Oracle.

Rattrap: Where was I? <sees gun>  Oh yeah, field lobotomy!

<The Oracle Inner Chamber>

Botanica and NickBee at the entrance in their respective beast forms.  Not sure what to expect, they transform and inch cautiously inside.  They only see Optimus in Monkey Mode slowly backing away from the deactivated Oracle screen.

Primal: Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhhhhh...

Botanica reaches out a hand and places it on Primal's primate shoulder in order to calm him.  The petrified Maximal whips around and quickly regains his composure.  Botanica retracts her hand.

Primal: Right, as you were!

NickBee: <slightly taken aback> Are you alright, big guy?  Was it something the Oracle showed you?

Primal's eye involuntarily twitches at the mention of the name.

Primal: What do you mean?  What did you see?

Botanica: Nothing, Optimus, we just thought you might be in trouble.

Primal: <ignoring her> Isn't it time for someone to go relieve the Dinobots?

Primal makes a brisk walk for the annex entrance and peers around the garden.  The three of them watch Silverbolt and Blackarachnia (still in Tarantulas form) try to sneak back in to the chamber through the main entrance.

Primal: <pointing, shakily> They don't look busy, send them!  You were a captain once, so you know how to do that still, right?

Botanica: What, you mean give orders?  Yes, but--

Primal: Good!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my office to drink.  I mean, think...

Not sure what to do, Botanica glances back at NickBee and turns around again to follow Primal.   NickBee just peers back into the annex to see what could have possibly happened.  He spies an overturned box with an Autobot symbol on one side.  He looks at the Episode 14 script in his other hand and squints, thinking.

NickBee: Autobot Autobot Autobot Autobot...

Kup AI Box: Primus, I thought they were NEVER gonna finish!

NickBee: Cripes!  A talking Lego!

Surprised, NickBee rotates the cube around to see a scrambled but horrified face through a cracked view screen.

Kup AI Box: Who is that?  I can't see a thing!  Where in tarnation are my pills?

<The Technorganic Garden>

Amid a thicker part of the garden, Blackarachnia (still in Tarantulas form) rappels both herself and Silverbolt quietly down to the ground level using the webbing from her/his beast mode.  Silverbolt looks around as Blackarachnia transforms and snaps the rope.

Silverbolt: What was that most foul cry?

They see Optimus walk into his "office" and slam the door, which promptly falls over.  Botanica follows quickly behind, but does not enter.  The view is suddenly blocked by Rattrap, who is holding Nightscream by his hair, and is followed closely by a very worried-looking Botanica.

Rattrap: Speaking of "fowl"...

Blackarachnia/Tarantulas: GNYAH!  Insolent vermin!

Botanica: And just where have you two been?

Silverbolt: By the light of Unicron's full head my lady love and I passionately transformed our longstanding interpersonal aggression into a consummate experience of intimate bliss.

Blackarachnia/Tarantulas: <shaky> Primus, did we ever!

Rattrap: <pointing at Blackarachnia's male form> What, like THAT?

Silverbolt: My lady's true beauty lies within.

Rattrap: Oh... that's just... THANK you for that wonderful visual!

Botanica sprays down the three squabbling Transformers with a garden hose, which also has the effect of changing Blackarachnia back to her technorganic self.

Botanica: Cool off, all of you.  It's time for a shift change, and you're up.

Rattrap: <waving> Have fun, kids!

Botanica: You're going too, Rattrap!

Rattrap: What?  Oh, for bootin' up cold, Botanica, the last thing I need is to get caught up in a fight between bird brain here and that massive Megatron impersonator.

Botanica cracks her plant-like knuckles.

Rattrap: Yeah!  Okay!  I'm going! <shoots Nightscream for good measure>

Nightscream: Ooooowwwww...

The three Maximals file toward the cave entrance.

Silverbolt: Carpel-whipped...

Rattrap: <cocks gun> Muzzle your parrot, Spider-lady, or he's next...

<The Manhole of Doom II>

Thrust paces back and forth while Tankorr Too stares at his view screen, enjoying NickBee's antics.

Thrust: Well, now that we've found each other again, how can we use this to our advantage?  We could accomplish great things if I could only think of something!  Your namesake was the one for scheming and adventure, not me...

Tankorr Too: Ooh!  Me Tankorr love adventure!

Thrust: Maybe... maybe we could take advantage of those stupid Dinobots and take the sparks for ourselves!  The power!  I could introduce you as Grimlock and then...


T-Wrecks: He's an IMBECILE!  Grimlock was a great and charismatic leader who not once but twice usurped power from the "great" Optimus Prime to lead the Autobots into glory.  His cunning, guile, and leadership run far beyond any such petty loyalties, and he united Predacon and Maximal alike under a single banner.  This is no Dinobot, this is a farce!

Thrust: Okay, so he's had a little facelift since last you saw him, but...

T-Wrecks picks up the Vehicon by the neck with his head-hand, turns him around, pushes him through the ground, and trains his sword at Thrust's laser core.

Thrust: >GURK!<

T-Wrecks: I am not certain what you expect of this encounter, but  your annoying existence will not be tolerated this day or any other.  I suggest you leave immediately and forget this folly.   <squeezing harder> ">GURK<" if you understand.

Thrust: >GURK!<


Thrust: <massaging his neck> On second thought, maybe that idea needs reconsidering.  Hey, are you listening?

Tankorr's replacement looks up from his view screen.

Tankorr Too: Friend find!

Thrust: Trust me, kid, NickBee is no one's friend.  Why waste a spycam on him anyway?

Tankorr Too: No!  Not stupid human!  Talking Lego friend!  Gray human take him away!

Thrust: I wish I could follow whatever the hell it is you're talking about.

Tankorr Too: Oh no!  Tankorr forgot!  Ho can me be so stupid?

Thrust: What are you babbling about now?

Tankorr Too: We have to go back to Manhole of Doom!  Thrust come with!

Thrust: Why did I know you were going to say that...

<Beneath Cybertron's Surface>

Two red eyes glow in the dark, and a shadowed form passes out two devices to Obsidian and Stryka.  The two generals emerge from a manhole above while the eyes descend downward into darkness. 

<The Surface>

Three beleaguered Maximals make their way across Cybertron, Silverbolt soaring through the air as Blackarachnia, still in Robot Mode rides on his back.  Rattrap, alone, races along the ground in his TransMetal body's vehicle mode.  He looks up at the duo, and briefly makes eye contact with Blackarachnia.  She sees him looking and turns away.  Looming ahead is their destination, the Big Giant Head.  As they reach the shield checkpoint, Silverbolt glides to the ground and Blackarachnia slides off his bird back.  He then Transforms and joins Rattrap, who is already at the controls.

Blackarachnia: Look, before we go onboard, I just wanted to... <swallows> apologize.

Rattrap ignores her.  Blackarachnia turns back to Silverbolt.  He shrugs as if to encourage her to try something else.

Blackarachnia: <through technorganic teeth> I can't believe you're making me do this!

Rattrap: Look, just... forget it.  I know what you think of me now, and there's no reason to pretend any more.

Blackarachnia: You stubborn little...

<Inside the Floating Megahead of Injustice>

The makeshift, haphazard command center is laid out in typical Maximal design.  A crudely-drawn sign, placed just under the main view screen, reads "Axalon II" in Cybertronian.  Airraptor and Striker diligently scan the image on one of the screens, depicting the three quarrelling Maximals.  Blackarachnia gesticulates wildly at Rattrap.

Airraptor: Looks like Rattrap, Silverbolt, and Blackarachnia are finally here to relieve us...

Striker: Visual check confirmed, energy signatures check out.  Get ready to drop the shield.


Silverbolt: Well, that was hardly appropriate, dear.

Rattrap: Heads up -- here comes the sled.

The three Maximals slowly file onto the craft and head for the Head.

<Back Inside>

Striker: Ready to raise shield-- hold up!  We have a couple of stragglers.

Airraptor: Looks like Nightscream and NickBee were lagging behind.

Striker: Visual check confirmed.  Energy signatures good.

Airraptor: Should we send another sled?

Striker: No, they can fly.

The two late Maximals fly up to the head, unimpeded by the shield.

<Nearby, the Spark Chamber>

T-Wrecks stands in front of the massive containment unit, almost hypnotized, while Cheetor runs around in cat mode picking up white socks.  T-Wrecks pulls a sword from inside the dinosaur tail "sheath" at his side, holding the weapon in front of him as if praying.

T-Wrecks: The souls of my world... all in a tiny box.  If I tore my body down, would I find this inside me as well, or is this merely another vessel for that which makes us truly unique?

Cheetor skitters across the smooth surface, slipping on errant white socks and careening into a pile he's been carefully sculpting for disposal.

Before T-Wrecks can scold the cat, Silverbolt, Blackarachnia, and Rattrap walk in shrouded by an awkward silence.

T-Wrecks: So, it's time for a shift change already?  Cheetor!  I'm leaving you in charge...

Cheetor: Alright!

T-Wrecks: ... of making sure all this filth is removed from my ship by the time I get back.

Cheetor: D'oh!

Airraptor and Striker file out of the makeshift bridge, ready to leave the ship with their leader.

Striker: You finally made it.

Airraptor: What's taking the other two so long?

Silverbolt: Other two?

Rattrap: You must be seeing things, bird boy; there's just the three of us.

Striker: But we saw--

From the top of the spark chamber, a badly-beaten diagnostic drone with "Megatron" printed in clear, block lettering on the side falls lifelessly in a crumpled heap to the ground, making a terrible clattering sound.  Obsidian flies down from the top of the chamber as Stryka comes out from around the other side.

T-Wrecks: It cannot be!

Obsidian: We are charged with defending Cybertron.

Stryka: Megatron IS Cybertron.

Obsidian: Or so we were fools to believe.

Stryka: Megatron survived your attack, but he proved incompetent.  We removed him for the sake of the planet.

Obsidian: Cybertron needs a new leader.

Obsidian and Stryka: <to T-Wrecks> What are your orders, Sire?

The Maximals look on, slack jawed.  The Dinobots don't betray their emotions.  T-Wrecks wraps his metallic digits even more tightly about the hilt of his already-drawn sword.

T-Wrecks: Hn.

<The Remains of the Manhole of Doom>

In the rubble below, Tankorr Too searches for... something.

Thrust looks down at the viewscreen in his hands.  He can't make out what he's looking at, except that it looks like the interior of a car.  He throws the screen aside in disgust.

Thrust: Did you find anything yet?  I'm getting bored up here!

Thrust looks up at the evening sky as wispy clouds reflecting the light of Cybertropolis block out some of the stars and part of Unicron's shining head, leaving a massive, spooky grimace.

Thrust: <to himself> Why is it no matter how many time I try to leave, I always come back to you?

Evil voice: Indeed...

Out of the center of the rubble rises Megatron in all his Primal-esque glory.  He briefly floats in the air in front of Thrust before coasting on his jets to land softly on the ground.

Thrust: Megatron? <squints> Is that you?

Megatron: Tut tut!  I'm disappointed in you, Thrust!  I seem to recall you saying that you'd be nothing but loyal!  Not only did you turn my two most loyal Generals against me for a whole episode, but you lost an entire contingent of elite BumbleCons!  <snatching the view screen from the ground> And you're using my resources for your personal gain.  <looking at the screen> To each his own, I suppose.  Tankorr, if you would.

Tankorr Too grabs Thrust from behind.

Thrust: What the hell is this?

Tankorr Too: Me sorry, Thrust...

Thrust spies a bottle rolling along the ground at his wheel, presumably dropped by Tankorr Too.

Thrust: What the shit is this?  Pills?  Did Megatron bribe you with these?  No wonder you got so stupid!

Megatron: Did you really think I'd let him roam Cybertron freely?  I've been aware of his actions this whole time, and finally the last pieces are falling in to place.  <scowls> Including you.

Thrust: Whatever you want, Megatron, you can just forget it!  I'm starting to remember it all now, how you used to me to create all... THIS.  It's never going to happen again!  I'm putting my wheel down!

Megatron: <laughing> Oh, my dear Waspinator, I'm not giving you a choice!

Megatron's hand lashes out, and from inside an oversized fist a tube attaches itself over Thrust's dirty and nearly unintelligible Vehicon insignia.  A glowing orb jumps the gap between the Vehicon's body and the hand, finally settling in the cockpit on Megatron's chest.  The body of Megatron's most senior Vehicon general falls to the ground.  Thrust is no more.

Megatron: Apologies for the delay, but you know what they say about giant heads and vengeance.  <Turns to Tankorr Too> As for you, "Tankorr", do be so kind as to leave a message for me.

Megatron's guns fire, and Tankorr Too falls to the ground as his optics flare and go dim.

To Be Continued!  Only two episodes left!

>Next time on Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes

A.I. Kup: Thank Alpha Trion!  You've brought my pills!

*    *    *

Tales of Cybertron, Part 8

<The Oracle, Inner Annex>

Kup AI Box: Who is that?  Don't come near me!  I know Metallikato!

NickBee: <shaking the box> Does it run on batteries?

Kup AI Box: Of all the cotton-pickin'... this is no way to treat The Last Autobot, son!

NickBee: The Last Autobot?  Now, where did I hear that before?  <taps mandible on Episode 14 script> It's on the tip of my tongue.

Kup AI Box: Yeah, I just said it two astroclicks ago!  I'm senile, not dead!

NickBee: <examining the box> I beg to differ.

Kup AI Box: What in the name of Omega Supreme's Girdle are you talking about?  Dead?  Me?

NickBee: As lifeless as a Celine Dion concert.

Kup AI Box: When did THAT happen?

NickBee: Probably right before you woke up without the use of your arms or legs.

Kup AI Box: That's hardly proof!  I'm never in top shape unless I get my pills!

NickBee: <reading the box> "Unit PLOT DEVICE 10/13: For Use With Copying and Running Intelligence of Deceased or Dying Curmudgeonly Old Geezers ONLY."

Kup AI Box: Look, dead or not, I still need my pills.  Before I sent that one young fella to get them for me.  Big guy.  Not very bright.  Loves stories.  He loves MY stories, anyway.  Reminds me of the time a bunch of us were trying to escape from Autobot City, right after Hot Rod killed Optimus Prime...

A memory suddenly fills NickBee, and he sees Tankorr picking him up from the ruins of the Manhole of Doom, and carrying him.  As he looks at the face, it slowly changes.

NickBee: Not Tankorr -- GRIMLOCK!  You, dead dude, you're with me!

Kup AI Box: Where are we going?

NickBee: I think I know who the Last Autobot is!  We have to get back to the Manhole of Doom!

<Oracle Chamber>

NickBee walks by cautiously on the walkway, peering down only to see if he is being watched.

Kup AI Box: What in the name of the Five Faces of Darkness is going on down there?

<Inside Optimus's "Office">

Optimus is surrounded by steam from a hot shower that can never get him clean.

Don't want no more... of the crying game.

Primal: <sobbing, pounding fist on wall> WHYYYYYY!!?!?

<Oracle Chamber>

NickBee: Never mind that, he'll be fine.   Let's blow this Ricky Martin stand.

<Somewhere on the surface of Cybertron>

NickBee emerges from a manhole with the Cube in one hand, hoisting himself to the surface with the other.  He looks around listlessly.

NickBee: This isn't going to work.  I can't carry you in beast mode and I sure as hell don't plan on walking...

He spies a pile of rubble nearby, pinning some destroyed and deactivated BumbleCons left over from a previous battle.

NickBee: Hell, it's worth a shot.

NickBee concentrates hard, and his eyes begin to glow.  The rubble moves and a single BumbleCon, in Robot Mode and badly damaged, emerges.

NickBee: C'mon, transform...

The BumbleCon slowly obeys the command, and turns into a rather beat-up 1998 Volkswagen Beetle.

Kup AI Box: Say, kid, that's a neat trick!

NickBee: Tell me about it!

The two climb in to the driver's side of the vehicle, but before they take off NickBee starts scratching at the AI Box's screen with one of his beast mode mandibles.

Kup AI Box: What in the name of the Divine Weld are you doing, kid?

NickBee: Just need one more thing to make this perfect...

NickBee pulls his arm away to reveal a crudely-drawn H on the screen where the image's robot forehead is.

NickBee: Much better.  Let's roll!

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