Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
The Lost Episodes: A Fanfic of Not-Quite-Epic Proportions
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
Robots in Disguise: The Lost OAV
The Misdaventures of Phil Bond, Accidental Secret Agent
Episode 17 - Geever and Crawley AREN'T Dead
by Traegorn RavenHawk - JUL.2001
Lost Episodes Reading Order  < 20 > 

Geever:  So, what do you want to do tonight Crawley

Crawley: The same thing we do every night Geever....

Geever: What's that Crawl?

Crawley: Try not to get our asses killed.

Geever: Oh yeah.
Geever and Crawley AREN'T Dead
By Traegorn RavenHawk

Scene: Geever and Crawley are sitting on a very familiar, yet extremely nondescript location.

Crawley: (Flips a coin) Why are we sitting here? (The coin lands on heads)

Geever: What do you mean? Where else would we go?

Crawley: Well, I don't know... I'm just curious.  I mean, of all the places to stop... why this one? (Tosses coin up)

Geever:  Hmmm.  I think we chose this spot because....

Crawley: Because what? (Coin lands on heads)

Geever: (Shrugs) Because it's fairly nondescript, yet oddly familiar.

Crawley:  That makes no sense.  I mean, shouldn't we find cover or something?  Protection from the weapons fire that may or may not arrive.  There are giant robots on this planet y'know.

Geever: Funny how we haven't seen any for a while, huh.

Crawley: Yes.  Funny. (Flips coin, it lands on heads)

Geever: (Sits down)  I have a question, Crawley.

Crawley: What's that? (Tosses coin up)

Geever: We've been on Cybertron, a planet composed almost completely of technology,  for what seems like months, right?

Crawley: (Coin lands on heads) I would have to give that a big affirmative. (tosses coin up again)

Geever: And in all this time... how have we been finding food?  Or when was the last time we ate?

Crawley: (Coin drops to ground... lands on heads) I... don't remember.

Geever:  Y'know what?  Neither do I.  But we must have, right?

Crawley: (picks up coin) Yeah, we must have.

Geever: Yeah, I mean, you're still a tad portly...

Crawley: (Smacks Geever) Shut up.

Geever: Not to mention, when's the last time you remember shaving your head?

Crawley: (Runs hand across head) Ummm... I don't....

Geever: Exactly.  It's like there's some divine will forcing us to survive in conditions that we know to be impossible.  It's like your coin.

Crawley: (Looks at coin) What about it.

Geever: I bet you my entire collection of G1 transformers that it lands on heads next time you flip it.

Crawley: (Flips coin, it lands on heads). Damn...

Geever: Exactly.

Crawley: What... what does this mean?

Geever: Well, probably nothing important...

Crawley: How so?

Geever: Well, my entire life, I think I've always suspected that I am in fact not the main character of whatever grand story is playing out.

Crawley: And our bizarre situation confirms this how?

Geever: Well, think about it, if this were a story, and we were the main characters, do you think the "writers" would leave in plot holes this large?  I mean, we're like "Brawn"

Crawley: Huh?

Geever: No one is really sure if Brawn is dead or alive.  And the writers never gave a flying rat fuck as to whether he was or not to clear it up...

Crawley: Yipes.

Geever: Exactly.

<Meanwhile, in a Nondescript location not that far from our side character conversation>

Benny is collapsed on the floor, gasping for air.

Benny:  I... I am... not... a... will not.... can't.... have... got to...

Voice from the shadows: pathetic...

Benny: what...?

Voice: you... are pathetic.

Benny: I can't... I don't...

Voice: always the denials...  always excuses...  you refuse to take responsibility for your own failures...

Benny: I... failures?

Voice: you've given up on finding the last autobot... you've let the maximals become too powerful... and most of all...  you've failed ME!

The figure of Mr. Bamt rolls out of the shadows towards Benny.

Benny: you're... still... alive?

Mr. Bamt:  wrong kiddie... i'm still dead... what you're seeing right now.... is inside of you.

Benny: What?

Mr. Bamt: i am inside of you... and i cannot accept this...

Benny: But...

Mr. Bamt: there are organics running around this planet... i cannot allow this...

Benny: The... two other humans? The ones Phil Bond brought over?

Mr. Bamt: yes... them... sorry kiddie... but i'm taking over....

<A Short time later>

Crawley: So what does that say about you?

Geever: What do you mean?

Crawley: Can't you understand simple English?

Geever: Now are you saying I'm stupid?

Crawley: Well, aren't you?

Geever: When did you turn into a dick?

Crawley: Fuck you!

Geever: Statement! Haha! I win.

Crawley: This is such a stupid game...

Music: "Go Go Cactus Man" begins to play.

Geever:  What the...?

A lone figure riding what can only be described as a bizarre amalgamation of Thrust Drone parts combined into a mechanical horse enters the horizon...

Crawley: Who the hell is that?

Geever: Andy?

Benny (The figure): Not quite kiddies.

Crawley: A blue Benny from Total Recall with Cycle and Tank drone weaponry strapped to him, riding in on a mechanical "horse"... while music from Cowboy Bebop plays?  Isn't this getting a tad bizarre?

A plasma bolt shoots from Benny's left shoulder cannon and hits directly between Geever and Crawley.

Geever:  I don't really care how weird things are getting... I recommend running.

Crawley: Never heard a better plan in my life.

The two begin to run like gangbusters.

Crawley: Y'know how not that long ago we were really bored because nothing seemed to ever happen to us?

Geever: (gasp) Yeah?

Crawley: (A plasma bolt barely misses his head) I miss that time.

Geever: Same here...  hey look over there! (points at a familiar manhole) He'll have to go on foot if we go down there!

Crawley: But do you know you're way around Cybertron's sewers?

Geever: Considering I don't know my way around Cybertron's surface, I don't see how it matters...

Crawley: Point taken! (He dives into the manhole, his right arm grasping the edge of the ladder, swinging his body around, and deftly landing on his feet)

Geever: (Dives into the sewer lid, hits his head on six of the ladder rungs, falls head first into the standing water, and scrambles to his feet)

Crawley: I honestly am much more impressed with your landing than mine...

Geever: How so? (they continue running)

Crawley: You're still alive.

Benny's hulking figure lands deftly on his feet.  His eyes illuminate, brightly lighting the corridor around him.

Geever & Crawley: Holy f***ing shit.

Crawley: Okay, so *that* is impressive.

Geever: Less being impressed... more running...

The two turn the corner, passing by a brooding NickBee

NickBee: Who am I!!

Benny: (Rounding the corner) must... kill... organics... must... find... last autobot... must kill... organics... must find... last...

NickBee: Uh... hello? (Benny runs by ignoring NickBee)  That was just strange.

As the chase continues, the three humans continue to go deeper into Cybertron, going by layer and layer of Cybertronian history (which on the way up will most likely be shown in a different order).

Geever: What did that last sign say, Crawl?

Crawley: I think it said "Iacon: Population 0 'cause they're all slaggin' dead"

Geever: Oh, that's comforting.

Crawley: Indeed.

They run past a massive green hologram of a transformer

Geever: What was that back there?

Crawley: Oh that?  That's just Prime.

Geever: That was a bad joke, dude.

Crawley: Shut up.  And look out for the Monkey!

Primal: Eep!

Crawley and Geever bowl over Primal, knocking him to the ground.

Primal: Ughh.. my head

Benny: (runs on top of Primal, stepping on his head)

Primal: friggin' punks!

Nightscream: You okay, Monkey Master?

Thrust: (Shoots Nightscream, and rolls out of the shadows)

Primal: Thanks.

Thrust: No problem.

Geever: Damn damn damn... he's still gaining on us!

Crawley: No he isn't, you dufus.  He's slowing down.

Geever: Why?

Crawley: Can you imagine running with a Tank Drone gun and a Cycle drone arm attached to your back?

Geever: So... if we keep this up...

Crawley: We should be able to eventually lose him! (A shot barely misses Crawley's head) If he doesn't shoot us first! And why the heck does he keep shooting at *me* instead of you... I mean, he's got a 50% chance of picking one of us...

Geever: Wait!  That gives me an idea! Heads!

Crawley: Hey, man, I told you earlier, I'm not into that stuff.  I like *girls*...

Geever: What?  No, you sick f***!  You still got that coin on you?

Crawley: Yeah, so?

Geever:  Toss it backwards!

Crawley:  What?  Why?

Geever: Trust me!

Crawley: (Twists in midstep, and whips the coin back towards Benny.  The Coin then smacks Benny straight in the middle of his forehead, knocking him to the ground) How did you?

Geever: Told you it would always land on heads.

Crawley: I would hurt you right now if you hadn't just saved our asses.

(The two duck around a corner, abandoning the fallen Benny)

Benny: must destroy organics... must find last autobot...

Gruff Voice: Did you say Autobot?

Benny: who...

Gruff Voice: Well, kiddo, if you fetch me my medication, I think I can help you with that Autobot thingie...



Tales of Cybertron, Part 2

<High in Orbit of Cybertron>

Unicron:  My plans are coming to fruitation.

Bob Skir/DD: Yes, I've finally found the "mute" switch on our sparkless Galvatron.

Unicron: Soon, I shall use this shell as my messenger of destruction.  Cybertron will fall before me, and I shall return triumphant!

BS/DD: Do you actually think it would work though?  Even Hot Rod ended up kicking your ass.

Unicron: Shut up Bob.

<and on the planet's surface>

Theodore (Noble): I will not let that fool abandon me again! I... I want my revenge!

Nightscream: Noble! There you are!

Theodore: Uhh.... Woof Woof!

Nightscream: Good boy!  Here's a Beggin' strip!

Theodore: yes... I want revenge and more Beggin' strips! (It's Bacon!)

Nightscream: Did you just say something Noble?

Theodore: Uhhh, no...  Woof woof! 

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