Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
The Lost Episodes: A Fanfic of Not-Quite-Epic Proportions
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes
Beast Machines: The Lost Episodes, Season 2 - Battle for the Manhole
Robots in Disguise: The Lost OAV
The Misdaventures of Phil Bond, Accidental Secret Agent
Episode 14 - Carnage in Optimus Minor
by TheOrange - DEC.2000
Lost Episodes Reading Order  < 16 > 

Last time on The Lost Episodes...

Benny: <somberly> Come back with me.  Help me stop Megatron.  Make a difference again.




NickBee: I've found Mr. Bamt.  He's not going to be any help I don't think...

Jetstorm: Say... what?

NickBee: Bamt is dead.


Megatron: Your betrayal is of no consequence to me.  In your absence I constructed a new Diagnostic Drone to take your place.  Bob Skir, meet... Marty Isenberg.


<Some deep dark cavern>

Primal: In my Oracle download I was given the ability to control the Plasma Energy Chamber.  I can release it planet-wide and wipe out all of this Evil technology!

Blackarachnia: Dooms day...



Megatron: Phil Bond caught me unaware when he came to Cybertron.  Well, not again.  Nooooo...  This time I will be ready for him...


Drone: I have in my databanks the schematic for a powerful device that not traverses not only space, but time and the very fabric of reality itself.  We could use it to, say, deposit your entire army in his own back yard.


<April 2000 -- Earth>

Spqqky: Tank drones with their own Key to Vector Sigma... sweeeeeet!


Benny: <appearing out of nowhere> Tankorr!  Bitch, you set us up!


Tankorr: It doesn't matter anymore, Mr. Bamt is GONE!

Benny: Wrong, kiddie!

Benny stands toe-to-tread with Tankorr.

Benny: *I* am Mr. Bamt!


Tankorr shoots Benny with the Key.

Tankorr: <holding Nightscream in front of him> Who's next?

Rattrap: Er, uh... hurt the kid and answer to me, Rhinox old buddy.

Tankorr: Hehe... such heroic nonsense...


Megatron: NickBee!  Round up your comrades.  It's time we began.

NickBee: Began what, boss?

Megatron's eyes narrow.

Megatron: ... Endgame.


The Plasma Energy Chamber activates, and green plasma energy begins to tear the planet apart.

Megatron: So be it, Optimus Primal! Let the chips fall where they may!

Optimus, smiling at his certain victory, suddenly frowns as his fingers quickly disappear.

Primal: Whoops.

<And now the conclusion>

Primal's body quickly imitates the vanishing act performed by his hand.


The Maximals, infected by the key, look on as their world comes apart around them.

Rattrap: So, this is really it.  Optimus went off the deep end and used the Plasma Energy chamber.  We're all gonna...

Blackarachnia: Don't say it, Rattrap.

Rattrap:  Aw, Webs!  For bootin' up cold...

Blackarachnia: It's just that... sometimes I feel like you're the only sane person on this forsaken planet.

Rattrap: I feel the same way.  Eh, about you, I mean.

Blackarachnia: Silverbolt won't come back to me, Optimus is going to get us all killed, I'm going to die alone, and I just... I...

Rattrap: Blackarachnia, I...

Blackarachnia: Hold me Rattrap.  Hold me.

<Somewhere in an old sewage duct>

NickBee and Benny scramble towards the surface of Cybertron as the storm intensifies.

NickBee: If we don't get out of here, we're toast!  "Beloved Backstreet Boy torn apart at the atomic level by technologically borne dooms day device."  What'll my fans think?  What will Elton think?

Benny collapses in the cavern, coiling himself in intense pain as the effects of the key wash over him.

NickBee: Are you okay, man?

Benny: Unnnh! It's-It's starting!  >GHHU< the change!  Can't stop now, got to block it out, keep moving!  That sucka Mr. Bamt never realized, neither of us did!  But then how could anyone have known what binary bonding a swank-ass bitch like me and a Transformer goon like him as something-master-whatever would eventually lead to!

Nickbee: That's nice, but what are we going to do about my hair?  It's going to take weeks to get this stench out.  You wouldn't happen to have any conditioner, would you?  Not the silicon kind; my scalp chafes easily.

Benny: Aww, shee-it, I got FIVE kids to feed! >GUH<

<Beyond this plane of existence>

Primal: Where am I?

Disembodied Voice: You go ahead get yourself killed and have the gall to ask that?  I'm very disappointed in you, Optimus.

Primal: Rhinox, is that you?

Rhinox/Tankorr: Don't talk to me, you got us both killed, and now Cybertron is sure to follow.

Primal: Hey, don't worry about it!  I've been dead before.  Remember when Megatron trapped me in that stasis pod and I got blown apart by the Transwarp cell explosion?  Someone reached into the Matrix to retrieve me.

Rhinox/Tankorr: That was me.  *I* did that.

Primal: Oh.  So why are you here?

Rhinox/Tankorr: I have paid for my misguided deeds.

Mr. Bamt: ..................apologize...................

Rhinox/Tankorr: Quiet!  I'm trying to talk to my friend.

Mr. Bamt: you set me up............had me my face

Rhinox/Tankorr: <sigh> It's up to you now, Optimus.  You can still save Cybertron.

Primal: Well, if it's all the same to you,  I'd rather just stay here.

Bob Skir: Oh no you don't.  AllSpark, if you please?

Primal: What's going on?

AllSpark: Wanna go for a ride?

Reality warps around Primal, bending in ways that anyone not chemically altered should be very very frightened of.  Then, just as soon as it began, it snaps back like a rubber band.

<Interior -- A Hasbro factory deep inside China>

Skir: Careful Jen, we don't want to risk him getting away.

Jen Donahoe: Don't rush me, I'll drop him!

Jen picks a Deluxe Optimus Primal toy off the assembly line and merges Primal's spark with it.

Primal: What the--

Jen: Hold still, otherwise this is going to give you such a pinch!

Primal: What's going on, here?  And what's with all the transparent blue plastic?

Skir: <grabbing Primal> Don't worry.  We have *big plans* for you!

Skir throws Primal at a nearby fur-bearing trout, which swallows him whole.

<Back on Cybertron, Mid-maelstrom>

Primal: What in the name of Primus just happened?

Optimus looks at Megatron's and Tankorr's bodies, waving like leaves in the breeze.

Primal: Oh yeah...

Optimus, using his much-vaunted energy absorption abilities, begins to redirect the maelstrom towards himself, removing the planet from imminent danger.

Primal: Hold it just a click, if this energy is enough to destroy all of Cybertron, and *I'M* absorbing it all...

Optimus begins to overload as the last of the mingling Key and Plasma energy accelerates towards him.

Primal: Ho boy, this is going to leave a mark...

<Just outside the Cathedral of Lost Sparks>

Blackarachnia: Hey, the storm stopped.

Rattrap: Yeah.

Blackarachnia and Rattrap look at each other for a long moment.

Blackarachnia and Rattrap: What the slag are we doing?!!

Rattrap: Let's, uh, not mention this little "episode" to anyone, okay?

Blackarachnia: Already forgotten!

Cheetor: Follow me!  We've got to help Optimus!

<Nearby, moments earlier>

NickBee: Whoa, where'd the storm go?

Benny: Never mind that, we have to find Tankorr!

NickBee: No way, man, I'm not going to get in trouble with the boss over this.

Benny stops and turns around to face NickBee.  He is wracked with another flash of pain.

Benny: Look, bitch, we don't have time for your self-preservation circuits to get in the way!  We need to save this planet, sucka, and we're the only ones left who can do it!

NickBee: Hey!  Don't touch me, you're a walking plague!  You'll infect my organic components!

Benny: <grabs NickBee's foot> I can't >TWITCH< harm you, kiddie!

NickBee: Hey... nothing happened?  Why didn't you infect me?  For that matter, why didn't that maelstrom of Key and Plasma Energy kill me, either?

Benny: Don't you get it yet, foo'?

NickBee: <playing with his hair or scratching his head, you decide> I guess not.

Benny: <sigh> Transform and take us to the Citadel, and make it >NNH< quick!

NickBee, not sure what's going on anymore, complies, and Benny climbs in.

Benny: Haha!  This is just like drivin' a cab...

<Inside Ground Zero>

Cheetor: Optimus...

Cheetor stares at the splatter of Buddha Monkey on the floor.

Nightscream: You guys won't believe this, but I think he's still alive!

Primal: >GURK<

Rattrap: Oh, say it ain't so...

Blackarachnia: Don't try to talk, Optimus...

Primal: Tell... >GURK< Cheetor.  Make him >GURK< understand...


A dead silence later...

Cheetor: Does this mean I'm in charge?

<Where All Are One>

Rhinox/Tankorr: Back so soon?

Primal: It's finally over.  I can rest.

Rhinox/Tankorr: Not so fast.  Aren't you forgetting something?

Images flash across Primal's mind.

Primal: I know why we're here!  I know our purpose!

Rhinox/Tankorr and Mr. Bamt: You DO?

Mr. Bamt: ...........kiddie..........

AllSpark: It's about time!

Primal: Well, not really, but did you see the plant lady?  Hubba hubba hubba!  Catch you guys later, I gotta get back to Cybertron!

Reality warps.


Jen Donahoe: Back already?  Isn't it against the rules to die twice in the same episode?

Jen grabs another Deluxe Optimus Primal and merges the decorporealized spark with it.

Primal: Isn't this getting expensive?

Jen Donahoe: Never mind that.  These things are warming the shelves like mad.  <Tosses reconstituted Buddha Monkey at fur-bearing trout tank> In you go!

<Quite some time later, Inside Megatron's former Bachelor Pad of Eternal Swank>

NickBee transforms just short of the walkway and hops across the disparate tetris blocks, careful not to drop his companion.  They stop at what is left of the battle, where NickBee sets Benny down.

Benny: <standing over what's left of Tankorr> Dead...

NickBee: Look, man, I'm sorry... I-- hey, cut that out!  Leave Tankorr's body alone!

Benny: <ripping apart the remains> GRAAAH!

NickBee: Bad Benny!  Bad!

Benny: <ripping off parts of Tankorr and attaching them to his metallized body> I call this, >GUH<, poetic... JUSTICE!

Benny emerges from the ruins of Tankorr's body, decked out and stylin'.

Benny: Cybertron will be saved... and I'm the one who's going to save it!

NickBee: Yeah!  We've got it goin' on!

<The Oracle>

Cheetor: Hey, BA, now that I'm in charge do you want to give me a little scratch behind my ears?

Blackarachnia: Ugh!  Forget it!

Primal: That won't be necessary.

Optimus steps out of the maw of a fur-bearing trout, whose head is poking out of the Oracle view screen.

All: Optimus!?!?

Cheetor: Big Bot?

<The Manhole of Doom, mid-"Go Fish" game>

Thrust appears to be in deep concentration.  Jetstorm waits, floating in the air, fingers steepled.

Thrust: Do...

Thrust reconsiders the question.

Thrust: Do you have any jacks?

Jetstorm swipes the cards off the ground rifles through his hand.

Jetstorm: Go... FISH!  Ha!  Haha! Hahahahahaaha!

Something on Jetstorm's arm beeps.

Jetstorm: <cards scattering everywhere> ARGH!  What was that?

Thrust: Take it easy, <examines Jetstorm's arm> someone's trying to contact us.

Jetstorm: Say... what?

Thrust: Don't start that now.  Answer it.

Jetstorm: Yello, this is your friendly neighborhood out-of-work Vehicon General speaking.  How may I be of assistance?

NickBee: <via comm link> How are you two swingin' cats doing?

Jetstorm: NickBee!  Compadre!  We thought you were toasted back in the storm.

NickBee: <via comm link> It takes more than that to stop this tornado of love!  Neither rain nor sleet nor LeAnn Rhymes will--

Thrust: Yeah yeah, what's this call about?  We're kinda busy, here.

NickBee: <via comm link> Well, I kinda found Benny, and--

Benny: <via comm link> >GUH<... please.  You've got to listen to me.  About Cybertron... the Maximals are wrong!  You kiddies got to help me wake up the Last Autobot.

Jetstorm: Say... what?

Thrust: Great, the boss is offline, our drones won't work, the Maximals are running loose in Cybertropolis -- maybe all of Cybertron -- and HE'S making jokes.

Jetstorm: Quite.

Thrust: <pointing to a card on the ground> Hey, that's a jack!

<Outside Noble's Dog House>

Primal: Look, I never said you could lead the team.

Cheetor: But, Optimus!

Rattrap: Look, who died and left you...

Cheetor and Primal glare at Rattrap.

Rattrap: Er, right.

Primal: There's no time for that!  We have to find out what's inside.  Nightscream, and, er, who are you again...?

Noble: Noble.

Primal: Right, Noble.  You and Nightscream... wait, where did you come from again?  And how did you manage to avoid Megatron's drones for so long?

Noble: I was...

Everyone looks at Noble.  He begins to sweat.

Noble: ...hiding.  Yeeesssss...

Primal: Well, that's good enough for me.  Nightscream, Noble, you two stay outside!

Optimus runs up to the Citadel doors and tries to pry them open with his bare hands.  He fails.  He tries again.  And fails.  Again.

Primal: Er, Rattrap, could you give me a hand?

Blackarachnia: Does it ever seem to you that Optimus isn't as in control as he likes to think?

Rattrap: You mean like when he almost blew up Cybertron?


Optimus, smiling at his certain victory, suddenly frowns as his fingers quickly disappear.

Primal: Whoops.


Blackarachnia: Yeah.

The Maximals go to help Optimus, leaving Noble and Nightscream behind.

Noble: Please, you shouldn't be so kind to me.  I've done terrible things.

Nightscream: Yeah right.  And next I'll bet you'll be telling me that you're really Megatron?

Noble: How did you--?

Noble notices the Citadel doors closing.

Noble: NO!

Nightscream barely notices his companion making a mad dash for the entrance.

Nightscream: Noble!  Wait!

<Over the Purple-Brick Road>

Benny: This isn't any joke, kiddie!  Tankorr's dead.  And so is, >GUH< Megatron.

NickBee: <in utter shock> Our drones won't work!?

Benny: That doesn't matter now, none of it matters.  What matters is that we stop the Maximals before they do too much damage!

NickBee: <again, in utter shock> Our drones are offline?  What are we gonna do?  What am *I* going to do?

Nightscream: <off in the distance> Noble!

Benny: Shh!  Someone's >NNH< coming!  <into the comm link> Where are you guys?

Jetstorm: <via comm link> Where we ALWAYS are... when we aren't watching Pokmon.  What--

Benny: Good enough.

Benny cuts the link.

NickBee: But... my drones!  My poor elite BumbleCons!

Benny: Lay low and keep quiet!

NickBee and Benny look on as the Maximals fight a fierce battle (lots of jumping, kicking, faux teamwork, etc.), but in the end the Mutant gets the best of them.

Nightscream: Noble!  Noooooo!

Noble: Yeeeessssss... yeeeesssssss!

Noble attaches two spark extractors to his chest.

NickBee: <looking on from the shadows> Wow! That's just like that scene from "Alien" where that little critter thing pops out of that guy's chest, and there was blood and guts everywhere...

Benny: You mean like >TWITCH< Kuato?

NickBee: No.  Not like Kuato.


NickBee: Hey, do you wanna go to the water park?

<Later -- much, much later -- At the Vehicons' favorite hangout>

NickBee arrives at the manhole of doom in 1998 Volkswagen Beetle mode.

Thrust: It's about time you guys showed up!  We've been attacked three times by that "Savage" thing since we last heard from you!

NickBee screeches to a halt, and Benny climbs out of the cab.  NickBee quickly transforms and straightens his hair using the reflection on his forearm.

Thrust: So what's the deal with this "Last Autobot" talk?

Before Benny can answer, Thrust is ensnared by translucent green webbing.

Thrust: <confused> Richie... it wasn't Duncan's fault... he wasn't himself...

Jetstorm: What are you talking aboot?

Thrust: <in drunken-like stupor> I'm coming for your head, MacLeod!

Blackarachnia: I've got you now, Silverbolt!  This wretched Vehicon brainwashing will no longer keep us apart!

Jetstorm: Is your positronic net faulty?  I'M Silverbolt!

Blackarachnia: Oh, right.

A small device, unseen by Jetstorm, sails through the air to land on his back.

Blackarachnia: Catch me if you can!

Jetstorm: ARGH!  You're mine!

Jetstorm floats away after Blackarachnia.

NickBee: <running his fingers through his luxurious hair> Uh... what just happened?

<The Technorganic Orchard>

Optimus stares long and hard at the Oracle.  Maybe he's decided it's too late to save Cybertron, maybe he's decided he's tired, or maybe he's decided he really didn't die twice in one episode. Any way you slice it, he's decided not to lose any more friends -- no matter what any higher power tells him.

After a few beats he transforms into Robot Mode and rakes his right hand against the screen, bowing his head.

Primal: Rhinox...

<After Thrust has had sufficient time to recover>

NickBee, Benny, and Thrust wage their eternal war against boredom at the Manhole of Doom...

Benny: >GUH< Do you have any... >SHOOBADOO< ...threes... kiddie?

Tankorr's Head: ...

Benny: You play a hard game, sucka!

Benny draws a card.

Thrust: You won't get away with this! I lost my only friend!

NickBee: What about me?

Thrust: Shut up!

<High above Cybertropolis>

A Big Giant Head looms menacingly over the skyline of Cybertron's capital city.

Megatron: Push, Bob Skir!

Diagnostic Drone: <grunting> So... heavy...

Unicron: <snort> ...amateur.

Megatron: Ha!  Ah-hahahahahaha!  Yessssss...

The End?

Next Time on the Lost Episodes: REDEMPTION!

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